


Fragments of the Rainy Season

by sweaterstiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Teen Angst, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-05 10:43:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1815676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweaterstiel/pseuds/sweaterstiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak likes music and rain and boys. Dean Winchester doesn’t want to know what love is like, so he’s never tried. Somehow they’re friends, and what could high school possibly do to change that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel shuffled up the stairs that led to the high school, gripping the straps of his backpack as he did so. He tried not to think too hard about Dean. However, this would be a wasted effort. No matter how hard he tried, Castiel’s thoughts continued to wander back to the boy with freckles and eyes that were too green.

Dean Winchester was one of his oldest friends who, for some reason, still spent a considerable amount of time with Castiel even though he had found more popular friends upon entering high school just a month ago. The boy was easy to get along with and had great social skills, a thing Castiel was not completely terrible at, though it was an area in which he did not particularly excel. Not like Dean.

Castiel smiled shyly at the thought that Dean skipped out on hanging out with his “cooler” friends just so he could hang out with him. He blushed when he thought about how Dean would walk so close to him so that their upper arms were pressed together and how Dean laughed at his stupid jokes even though Castiel knew they weren’t funny.

He’d never given these acts much thought until now. People who are just friends don’t do that right? They had always been just friends. That is, for Castiel at least, until last Friday.

“Hey, Cassy!” Castiel snapped out of his thoughts suddenly as he felt an arm sling around his shoulder. He turned and smiled at the dark-haired girl who was now walking next to him because he smiled at everyone, but it was done rather half-heartedly as he had really hoped that he could just be alone for a while before school started. He had arrived early for a reason.

“Oh, hi Meg,” he greeted her and continued to walk towards the library, Meg insisting on following him, arm still wrapped around his shoulder in an almost too friendly gesture. He sighed quietly so that she couldn’t hear, and then attempted at a conversation because he at least wanted to make an effort to be a good friend. “You’re here early.”

“So are you, Clarence,” she countered and finally removed her arm from Castiel’s shoulder. He hoped he hadn’t looked as relieved as he felt.

“I’m always here early. This is new for you,” Castiel retorted. “And I still don’t understand why you insist on calling me Clarence.” Meg was looking at him so he raised an eyebrow. She chuckled and shook her head in exasperation.

“Would it kill you to watch a movie once in a while?” Meg replied with a light chuckle. He knew that she had had a major crush in him in elementary school. But that had seemed to fade out in middle school when it became more clear that he was, well, not interested in girls. He could only hope that her feelings for him weren’t resurfacing now.

Castiel tried to think of a semi witty comeback in response like he usually would. Though most times it would end up just being very lame and nobody would laugh, except Dean if he were there. However, it was too early in the morning for that and Castiel’s mind was far too drifty to make much of an effort.

So he settled for a slight shake of his head before entering the library and quietly settling down at a table. Meg sat across from him and Castiel tried to immerse himself in a book in the hopes that she wouldn’t continue to talk to him. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Meg, because he did and she was his friend, but the girl could talk for ages and Castiel was tired of having to pretend that he cared.

Meg started up into a conversation anyway, talking fast and not seeming to notice or care that Castiel wasn’t paying much attention. He would give the occasional nod or chuckle when it seemed appropriate, but he let his mind wander. He let it wander to Dean and last Friday.

 

_“Come on, Cas, you know I suck at science. Just let me see what you put,” Dean begged, on the verge of a whine as he fixed Castiel with his best puppy dog eyes. Castiel laughed and shook his head._

_“No Dean, that’s cheating,” he responded, raising an eyebrow at Dean’s overdramatic and unfaltering frown. Castiel attempted to keep a stern straight face as he matched Dean’s stare. This lasted only a few moments before Castiel broke out in a laugh and rolled his eyes. “Dean!”_

_“Cas!” the other boy retorted immediately and smiled as well. “The only reason my mom lets me spend so much time at your place is because I told her you were helping me study. So… help me study.” He gestured towards their science notebooks and looked at Castiel expectantly._

_“And you think cheating is going to help you?” Cas ventured. He smiled when Dean furrowed his eyebrows and feigned deep thought._

_“It’s not cheating Cas,” he began. “Think of it more like…a learning experience. Yeah. I read your response, think ‘Oh gee that’s right! Cas has really proven his intelligence once again, and now I’ve learned this super helpful concept. Good thing I have a pal like Cas,’ at which point I will rewrite the response. Win-win situation.”_

_“Oh really? And what do I get out of this?” Castiel smiled almost mischievously, turning to his right so that he was completely facing Dean who was seated in the chair next to him. Their knees were almost touching. Castiel didn’t notice._

_Dean scoffed. “Um, only the greatest reward ever. My undying gratitude and respect. I don’t just go giving that out to anyone, you know.” Dean winked and something within Castiel’s heart flared with warmth for a moment. He shrugged it off. They were friends. Then Dean reached forward and took Castiel’s hands in his own and held them tight. “Please Cas, I’m going to fail this class. I already have a C and it’s only been a month.”_

_There was that overdramatic puppy dog face again, and this time Castiel found himself frozen, captured within Dean’s wide green eyes. He found them beautiful. He had never noticed before._

_He shook his head and looked down. The whole situation was becoming rather uncomfortable. No, that wasn’t the right word._

_“Fine, here.” Castiel slid his notebook towards Dean, breaking the other boy’s hold on his hands and attempting to shrug off whatever type of moment they had just shared. They were just friends. Castiel found that he kept telling himself that._

_Dean broke into a wide smile and Castiel couldn’t help but stare a little. Then in a flash Dean was leaning in towards Castiel. He was frozen, unable to react in the short amount of time, staring at the other boy’s lips that were now so close to his own. Dean stopped short so that their noses were centimeters away from touching. He didn’t pull back. Neither did Castiel. His green eyes were looking into Castiel’s blue ones so casually, as if being this close was normal. “Thanks,” was all Dean said before he was pulling away, turning to his worksheet and filling in the responses as if what just happened hadn’t happened._

_Castiel remained frozen and trapped in his own mind for moments longer._ Shit, _he thought,_ I think I’m in love with Dean Winchester.

 

Castiel was startled by a shrill ringing sound. That would be the bell. He moved to get up when Meg reached out to pull him back down to his seat. He had almost forgotten she was there.

“Where are you going?” she questioned smoothly, that signature easy smile plastered on her face. “There’s still seven minutes before class starts.”

“Seven minutes,” Castiel noted. “Weird number.”

Meg shrugged. “Yeah, sure. Good amount of time to chill a bit before rushing off to class.” She raised an eyebrow in question.

“I like to get there early,” Castiel said, moving to get up again. Meg didn’t stop him this time. Castiel wondered if she’d ever realize that he was a lost cause.

“Whatever, nerd,” she taunted, smiling warmly. Then she got up as well and walked over to a group of girls who were also leaving the library. Castiel noticed that she joined the conversation immediately. Meg was social like Dean, and Castiel wondered now why either of them spent any time with him. With a huff, he pulled himself out of his poor self-analysis and walked to his first class.

 

x

 

Dean smiled wide and swung his legs around beneath him, knocking against the wall that he was currently sitting on. Garth had just told some joke involving the apocalypse that Dean didn’t fully understand but he laughed anyway because that’s what he always did. Ash was now trying to explain some strange science concept to everyone and Dean was immediately lost. Frankly, he wasn’t even sure how they got on the subject in the first place.

“Nerds,” he said under his breath with a small grin. They were all too immersed in their discussion to notice.

His mind began to wander to unimportant matters. _These shoes are really old. I should get some new ones. Maybe a subtler color, shit, bright green is so middle school. I hope Mr. Singer doesn’t notice that I pretty much just copied Cas’s responses on the homework-_

“Hello, Dean.” Dean was shocked out of his thoughts by a small and tentative voice to his left. He turned his head and found himself facing Cas, who was staring down at his feet and holding on to the straps of his backpack rather tightly. The guy looked nervous. Dean couldn’t imagine why.

He jumped off the short ledge and slung an arm around Cas’s shoulders. The action seemed to startle him, and Cas now lifted his head to stare at Dean with widened, curious eyes, mouth slightly agape. Dean found himself shamelessly staring at the gap in his friend’s lips. Cas took notice within a few seconds, closed his mouth, and returned his gaze to the admittedly uninteresting grass. Was that a blush? Dean casually removed is arm from Cas’s shoulder.

“What’s with the formalities, man? A simple ‘hey’ or ‘sup’ would do just fine,” Dean criticized the other boy playfully. He wore a certain smile that was made only for Cas.

“Oh, right, sorry I-“

“C’mon Cas I’m only teasing you,” Dean said and elbowed him. Cas seemed to loosen up at the brief contact. Good. His friend seemed much too tense. Suddenly Cas looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“Dean do you not…” Cas trailed off, seeming to lose whatever thought he had found just as quickly as he had found it.

“What?” Dean questioned, entirely confused.

“Friday.”

That was Cas’s only reply. He said the word in almost a whisper, as if it held some secret that nobody except Dean should hear.

“Oh,” Dean said, thinking he now understood. “Look Cas, if you’re upset that I copied your homework, sorry man. I’m sure you spent a lot of time on those responses, hey they were really great, and you probably don’t want me to just come in and take them. It was a dick move on my part, I know how important school is to you. I’ll work harder on my own work. Maybe you can help me study for real….”

Cas sighed. Dean appeared to have lost him after the first sentence.

“No, it’s fine. Never mind.” He scuffed his shoe in the grass, obviously still having some unresolved questions. However, Dean didn’t pick up on this.

“Okay, cool,” Dean said with a shrug. He then turned his attention back to their friends, who were still discussing some science topic. Then back to Cas. “Hey Cas our exceptionally nerdy friends are talking about science-y stuff. You should totally join them.” He moved behind Cas and pushed his friend’s shoulders so that he moved until he was standing next to the short wall where their friends were sitting.

Cas looked at Dean, still in an extremely confused manner. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then shut it again, turning around and (rather gracefully, Dean had to admit) pulling himself up over the wall so that he was sitting in the grass at the top, immersing himself in the circle-like shape his friends had taken. Dean smiled to himself. There was something about Cas. Always had been since they met in grade school.

That was when the bell rang, signifying the start of a brief seven minute passing period. “Break’s over,” Dean said mostly to himself. He turned and started off to his third period class.

“Hey, wait!” That was Cas. Dean paused and turned around to see the boy jump off the wall to stand at its base. Dean found the action rather unnecessary. He had just climbed up, and jumping back down wasn’t going to do him any favors. Dean shook his head in amusement. “Where are you going?”

“Class,” Dean replied simply, motioning towards the stairs that were beginning to fill up with students walking in various directions. “The bell kinda just rang if you hadn’t noticed.”

“We have seven minutes,” Cas insisted.

Dean shrugged. “I like to get there early.”

He was fairly sure he saw Cas smile in an almost surprised, yet pleased, manner before he turned and walked off.

 

x

 

Castiel stood and watched Dean as he walked away.

He really had no idea, did he?


	2. Chapter 2

Benny had decided from the first day that 'Computer Technician' was most definitely the worst elective ever. Well maybe not the absolute worst, but it definitely came close. It was becoming more evident after a month of school. Benny didn’t even have the privilege of most everyone else to complain about being “forced into it.” No, he had gone and chosen it. Yeah he liked technology, but this was just stupid. He should have expected as much from a low-budget high school class.

Good thing they had been able to choose their seats. The class was made bearable by this fact, as Benny had sat next to his friend Ruby. She made fun of pretty much everything and Benny found himself often smiling or laughing at something she’d said. But today they were changing seats. Great.

The option to choose these new seats was still in place, however you weren’t allowed to be on the same side of the room as your old tablemates. Ridiculous.

Benny ended up sitting on the far side of the room next to some kid in a green jacket who was talking across the room to this dark haired guy in the middle row. They looked like freshmen. Frankly, there were too many freshmen in this class who obviously didn’t choose it as an elective.

When the teacher, Mrs. Mills, tried to get everyone to calm down, Benny’s new tablemate sat down, turned towards him, and extended a hand. Benny shook it.

“My name’s Dean,” he said coolly. “Dean Winchester.”

“Benny Lafitte,” he responded in introduction. Dean nodded with a smirk.

“Well then Benny Lafitte, I hope you’re good at this computer stuff because I have no idea what I’m doing,” Dean started up. Benny could already tell that they would get along well. Something about the way Dean talked made conversation seem effortless and natural. He smiled to himself.

“Yeah well, good enough to pass at least,” Benny replied. Dean smiled at this.

“Isn’t that just the picture of high school?” he muttered. And then, “Oh come on, I bet you’re one of those guys who’s real talented but waves it off like you’re not.” Dean shook his head in mock annoyance. “So. Annoying.”

Benny laughed. “Thanks for the flattery, but no. I’m not some tech geek, but I won’t fail this class either, that’s all.”

“Can’t say the same for myself,” Dean said and – _was that a wink?_

“Well that’s what I’m here for,” Benny found himself saying. Dean broke into yet another smile and Benny cursed himself in his mind. This was getting awfully close to flirting territory, and that was a land in which Benny did not know how to navigate. He decided to change the subject. “So what, are you a freshman?”

“Oh, yeah. What do I look like it?” he teased. _Shit, who is this kid?_

“Well sorta,” Benny replied. “That and I didn’t see you last year or anything.”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Sophomore, huh? So what, if I _had_ been here you would’ve noticed?”

 _Crap_. “I don’t know, I just mean-“ Benny stammered, not sure how Dean managed to turn his words on him so fast. But the other boy now broke out in a quick laugh.

“Look man I’m totally just messing with you! Hey you better start paying attention to what Mrs. Mills has to say about chipsets so that we’ll actually know what we’re doing later on.” Dean then turned to face the front of the classroom. After several moments, Benny did so as well. Dean had quite the personality, and the next few weeks should prove to be rather interesting, if not actually fun.

 

x

 

Meg huffed loudly as she did every day when she exited the computer tech room. Of course a computer class had to be a required course, and of course she got thrown into the shittiest one of all. _Like hell I’m going to remember every part on the motherboard_ , she thought to herself. At least it was only a trimester long. She just had to hold out until November.

“Thank god it’s Friday, I am so done with this week,” she complained as Dean and Castiel walked out of the room after her. “But mostly this class like I never know what the fuck anyone is talking about!”

“There, there dearest Meg,” Dean said, patting her shoulder. “I’d say most of the class has no idea what they’re doing either.”

“Yeah,” Castiel added. “I certainly don’t.”

“Well you’re smart Clarence,” she said. Castiel sighed. Meg knew it was due to the nickname she used on him so often, but she didn’t care. She’d keep calling him Clarence, if only for the reaction she got from him each time she did so. “And a plus, you two have good partners. Like Charlie is freaking great with computers and she’s only a freshman, jeez,” she said to Castiel, then turning towards Dean, “And Benny seems like he knows what he’s doing…ish. And he’s a sophomore so yeah. Smarter than us.” Dean nodded and smiled to himself as if in some own personal train of thought. Meg continued, “But I’m with Ruby, and she’s awesome but she may be even worse than me with this shit.”

“I don’t think Mrs. Mills is going to fail you,” Castiel said. “Just stick it out, we’re about a third done.”

“Not helping,” Meg complained. They had reached the part in their walk to their fifth, and final, period classes in which they went separate ways.

“Well this chat has been such a pleasure as always Meg,” Dean started, “but we better be off to science.” He placed a hand gingerly on Castiel’s back, or rather, backpack. Castiel’s eyes seemed to widen if only for a briefest second. He appeared to be blushing ever so slightly. That or his cheeks were just red. It was hot today after all.

Meg wasn’t sure what was going on between Castiel and Dean, but she didn’t bother trying to figure it out. She had been a friend with the two of them since grade school, and she knew their personalities better than most anyone else. She picked up on little things that maybe even they didn’t notice. The biggest thing she had noticed revolved around Dean.

There was a period of time in eighth grade when Meg was convinced he liked her. Just by how he would hold her hand or wrap his arm around her shoulder or waist. She began to develop a crush on him - that is until she found out that several other girls were equally convinced he was in love with them. Some boys as well.

Meg had dropped her crush easily, she preferred being friends anyway, and started to pay attention to his behavior. Sure enough, it was just a personality quirk. Their friend group appeared not to even notice and after a while the ones who had developed crushes on him gave up on them and moved on. Everyone must have just assumed he was joking or something. Meg knew it was just that he really didn’t even know.

And now with Castiel looking at Dean like he was. Yeah, Meg had liked Castiel pretty much all throughout elementary school. She was forced to give it up in middle school when she realized it was never going to happen. Her dark-haired blue-eyed boy had started joining in on her rants about the attractiveness of certain male celebrities and commenting on cute features of other male students or younger substitute teachers. _“Meg! The hot sub is in English today!” “Seriously? Was his hair all ruffled like last time because damn.”_  He never paid any attention to any of the girls at their school, but he did notice the boys. So he was gay. He had to be. Meg was upset, but honestly their friendship had grown out of it. They became closer. Not like Castiel had come out to her or anything. He didn’t have to, people just sort of knew.

“And you have to be off to... whatever class you have right now,” Dean continued, bringing Meg back to the present.

“English, dumbass,” she snapped. Then looking at Castiel, “See ya later, Cassy!”

“Don’t call me-“ Castiel’s words were lost as she turned and walked away from them. After a few paces, Meg paused and turned back. She saw the two of them round the corner around the back of the building that would lead them to the science hall. They were walking shoulder to shoulder, no space in between. Too close to be ‘just friends.’

“Oh Clarence…” Meg said under her breath. She picked up her walk to English.

Meg hoped Dean wasn’t accidentally leading Castiel on.

Her dark-haired blue-eyed boy would fall hard. Perhaps he already had.

And then he would crash.

 

x

 

Castiel walked with Dean from science as he did every day. The script was nearly always the same. Dean would complain about the class. Castiel would agree with him, though in actuality he enjoyed it. They would make some joke about something Mr. Singer had said that day that could be misinterpreted as something inappropriate. They would talk about things they had in common, people in their school, common annoyances, the list went on and on. Dean would walk exceptionally close to Castiel as if they were, dare he say, a couple. And Castiel wasn’t just thinking he was particularly special or anything, but he knew that this was one behavior that Dean did not exhibit towards anyone else. No, he walked a normal distance away from everyone else. So Castiel was different. This gave him a warm feeling that he didn’t quite know what to think about.

They approached the end of the walkway that opened up to the street. This was where they parted ways, Castiel going to the left to meet his older brother who would wait in the car a few blocks down and Dean crossing the street to the right to wait to be picked up by his mother. But today as they reached that point Dean turned and grabbed Castiel’s shoulder, stopping him mid-step. He pulled Castiel off to the side of the path to make room for the other students who were walking out.

“Hey, um, Cas can we talk?”

This was new. A shift to the usual routine.

Castiel’s shoulder felt warm where Dean was gripping it. The other boy held him gently, yet firmly, and Castiel found that he didn’t want him to let go. Of course, Dean dropped his hand but held his eyes on Castiel’s. His eyes were just so green.

 _Shit I’ve been staring too long I need to say something_ , Castiel thought and averted his gaze. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Yeah sure.” _Such an intelligent response, I could’ve done better._ “Uh, what about?” _Well, that was just terrible. Could’ve gone with ‘What do you inquire?’ or something smart like that._

Dean glanced up the pathway and to its opening at the students walking about. Castiel watched him inquisitively. He looked nervous. Dean Winchester never looked nervous.

“Walk with me,” Dean said and grabbed Castiel’s hand leading him out on the sidewalk and to the left. They walked a few paces until Castiel’s reason got the better of him.

“What about my brother?” he asked. _Shit, Castiel. Stop. DEAN is holding your hand and wants to walk with you!_ “I mean, he’ll be wondering where I am.” _I hate myself._

Dean stopped and looked past Castiel to the cars waiting on the side of the road, ready to pick up various kids from school. He actually looked distressed. Castiel bit the inside of his cheek, immediately regretting having said anything at all.

“Call him,” Dean said. His voice was clear and surprisingly calm.

“What?”

“Tell him you’re staying late to work on a science project with me. My mom will drive you home.” He was impressed. Dean was a quick thinker. Castiel only nodded in response and moved his hand to grab his phone from out of the side pocket of his backpack. He called his brother and relayed the story. Since it was for “academic purposes” Castiel’s brother, Raphael, would allow it. He thanked Raphael, hung up, and tucked the phone back in its resting space.

Castiel looked up at Dean, who had not stopped staring at him the entire time he was talking. Weird. The abnormally long stares were usually Castiel’s thing.

“All set,” Castiel confirmed and Dean looked instantly relieved. “Where to?”

Dean didn’t respond. Instead he grabbed Castiel’s hand and once again began to tug him down the sidewalk to the left. Their pace was a fast walk, and after a few blocks the noise of teenagers socializing and after school traffic subsided. The streets in this direction were all residential, and there wasn’t a person on the sidewalk or a car on the road. The silence was enjoyable. There was a slight breeze in the air that made the dark hair that rested on Castiel’s forehead dance ever so slightly. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and smiled, simply enjoying himself. To Castiel’s right, birds chirped and emerged out of a nearby tree as a great flock.

Dean still led the way. He hadn’t turned around once. And he hadn’t let go of Castiel’s hand, though it wasn’t really necessary to keep leading the other boy around in such a way. Castiel could now assume that Dean was doing so simply because he wanted to. He liked the assumption. There was that warm feeling again that was becoming all too familiar to Castiel. Was it love? Perhaps, as Castiel had already convinced himself that he was in love with this boy. And now Dean was leading him around, hand in hand. Castiel was more than content.

Dean finally stopped at a place where the sidewalk opened up to a small clearing with a single tree and lone picnic bench. The spot offered up a surprisingly nice view of the hills to the north. Castiel could barely pick out the road that snaked around them. He wondered how Dean had come upon this spot. Perhaps one day he would ask him, but now was not the optimal time.

Dean didn’t go over to the picnic bench to sit down or anything. He just stood there and looked at Castiel, now appearing to have lost the nervousness of before. Dean hadn’t let go of the other boy’s hand yet, and this Castiel was grateful for. Dean’s green eyes bore into Castiel’s blue ones in that intense way that was so common for the two of them, flicking down to Castiel’s lips as if for a split second. Castiel smiled lightly, feeling rather giddy. Moments like this were things of his dreams, not of reality. Yet here they were.

“Look, please don’t freak out or anything but I need to try something, okay?” Dean almost pleaded. Castiel’s heart began to race, not entirely sure where Dean was going with this, but not at all adverse to the possibilities that the statement may imply. He opened his mouth ever so slightly to respond, but found his voice caught in his throat; silenced by the intense beauty that was Dean’s eyes. He’d never get used to them. So a simple nod was Castiel’s response. “Stay still,” Dean commanded. His voice has quieted to a near hush.

It was then that Dean finally let go of Castiel’s hand, the latter releasing a tiny whimper at the loss that remained trapped in his throat, to be unheard by Dean who was now slowly inching into Castiel’s personal space. Not that Castiel minded. In fact, the intrusion was incredibly welcome. That being said, Dean’s movement forward was still incredibly shocking to Castiel who stood frozen in place as a result, which happened to be exactly what Dean had requested of him. Dean’s hands, which had moments ago been holding Castiel’s, now moved up to the other boy’s face, cupping his cheeks and jaw. At this Castiel loosened up, relaxing into a state of being that seemed incredibly natural. His eyelids fluttered closed, face moving forward just an inch to meet Dean’s. Their lips collided gently, yet they kissed with an undertone of urgency and need. Without having to think about it, Castiel moved his hands to Dean’s hips, and the latter leaned into the gesture, only serving to increase the warmth that now burned as fire within Castiel’s very being. Kissing Dean came naturally, and Castiel wished that he had done so earlier.

When they parted Dean backed up several paces, his hands moving from Castiel’s as if to get a better look at his friend. But how accurate was that term, ‘friend,’ especially now that they kissed? Castiel removed his hands from Dean’s waist.

Dean stared at Castiel and Castiel stared back, as per usual, but this time it was different. Castiel looked at Dean with every desire, thinking only that he wanted to be closer to Dean, to lean into another kiss. It had quickly become his new favorite thing, kissing Dean. Dean looked at Castiel differently as well. Castiel couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinking, but he observed that the other boy’s eyes were wide and happy and that his lips hadn’t fallen into their typical smirk, but rather had erupted into a genuine smile.

“Boom,” Dean said, the word rolling off his tongue as if it were a song. He made a hand gesture like an explosion.

“What?” Castiel questioned slowly, not quite expecting that reaction from Dean.

“Fireworks, Cas,” was Dean’s explanation. He closed his eyes and tilted back his head in a way that was just about criminal. “Just like fireworks.”

Castiel smiled wide because he understood. There was that one saying about kissing the right person and having it be like fireworks. Castiel had never understood the comparison, not seeing how a kiss could be a firework. Were you supposed to see fireworks because the kiss was that…powerful? Emotional? Intense? Or was it supposed to feel like fireworks because of the, well, power, emotion, or intensity? Castiel simply hadn’t thought it made any sense and had nearly forgotten the saying altogether. But after kissing Dean, Castiel thought that fireworks were the perfect description. He wouldn’t be able explain it though.

“Yeah Dean,” he said in response. “Fireworks.”

 

x

 

The drive home was awkward to say the least. Dean’s mom kept trying to start up various conversations, none of which were awarded much response from the two boys in the backseat. Cas was practically grinning to himself the entire drive, alternating between staring at his hands and staring out the window. The guy appeared to be completely absorbed in his own giddy state of mind, and Dean inwardly cursed himself for being the cause of it.

Not that he didn’t want Cas to be happy, but the way he looked now was too much.

This hadn’t been Dean’s intention. The kiss was just casual. Yeah, he thought Cas was attractive and something within Dean had urged him to finally just go for it but he didn’t want a relationship. The idea of a long-term girlfriend or boyfriend had never seemed appealing to Dean. He had always figured he would just survive off a kiss or make out session or…more when the time came every now and then and just leave it at that. That’s what Dean wanted from Cas, no need to get involved with feelings or love or anything like that.

It wasn’t the whole story and Dean knew it. He had felt nervous before kissing Cas and the kiss itself was something more than just casual. It had been like fireworks - Dean had said so himself. However, thoughts like this implied something dangerously close to feelings and love, so Dean pushed them away and replaced them with the half-truth that was his simple desire for a casual relationship without labels or anything.

When they neared Cas’s house, Dean knew he had to do something to relieve Cas of the idea of something forming between the two of them. He didn’t want a boyfriend. He kept telling himself that, as if he needed further convincing that it was the truth.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” Dean said as his mom pulled up next to the curb in front of Cas’s house. Cas practically beamed at this and Dean just comforted himself in the fact that Cas would know not to act like they were a couple or anything in just a few moments. It’s not like they were in love.

“That’s sweet honey,” Mary said as Dean ducked out of the car.

“Thanks for the ride Mrs. Winchester,” Cas called and waved his hand in thanks and goodbye and he stepped backwards towards the door to his house. Dean followed and stopped the other boy as he searched in his backpack for his house key.

“Hey, uh, Cas I think I need to make something clear,” Dean started. Cas just looked up at him with that confused expression he so often wore. Dean took an intake of breath. “Look, I don’t want a relationship.” At this, Cas’s eyes narrowed further than they had been a moment ago. Dean was almost impressed.

“But… you just…”

“I know,” Dean said, struggling to find the right words to explain himself and realizing that he wasn’t even sure what he was thinking. “I mean, I like you but I don’t do feelings and I really don’t want a boyfriend.” By the look on Cas’s face, Dean might’ve thought that his friend had just witnessed someone kick a puppy. His face angled towards the ground for just a moment before he took a deep breath and then straightened up.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Dean questioned, surprised that Cas seemed so… cool with it so suddenly.

“Yeah, okay,” he repeated. “I won’t be your boyfriend.”

“Oh.”

“Surprised?” Cas said, quirking his eyebrow up in question. Dean felt a little taken aback but he was glad. He shook his head and smiled.

“No, no. Alright cool man, I’ll…uh…see you at school.”

Cas nodded and went into his house. Dean turned and went back to his car.

 

x

 

There was really only one person he could talk to. Curled up by the window in his room with his knees tucked up to his chest, he grabbed his phone and dialed her number. He missed her a lot since she went off to college. She always knew what to say.

“ _Castiel! Hey, what’s up?”_ her voice sang from the speaker on the phone. Castiel shut his eyes and pretended she was with him, clutching the phone close to his cheek.

“Anna,” was all he said. She understood him better than anyone, and he never really needed to tell her exactly how he felt – she just knew.

 _“Castiel, are you okay?”_ she questioned, and Castiel could picture her worried expression.

“No.”


	3. Chapter 3

“So this is what you like?” Dean said as he studied Cas’s phone screen that was currently displaying the obscure band that was playing. He smiled to himself, listening to the lyrics for a moment before sitting next to Cas on his bed.

“Yes Dean, I enjoy weird music - get over it.” Cas had propped himself up against the headboard and had his history book resting in his lap as he took notes. Dean leaned his head on Cas’s shoulder and looked up at his ceiling that displayed an array of glow in the dark stars. Dean always liked trying to pick out various constellations, since Cas had deliberately arranged them in patterns resembling his favorite ones.

“It’s not too bad,” Dean commented. “It’s not classic rock, but still alright.” He reached a hand up and began to play with Cas’s surprisingly soft hair. Cas sighed and Dean didn’t have to look at him to know that he was smiling as well.

“And how am I supposed to focus when you’re doing that?” Cas asked, and now it was Dean’s turn to smile. He turned to Cas and moved forward into a kiss that Cas returned.

When they parted Dean just smiled and replied, “You’re not.” Cas laughed and pushed the book off his lap, closing the space between himself and Dean, kissing him again. Dean responded as he always did, kissing him back with one hand beneath Cas’s shirt, tracing circles over his sharp hipbone with his thumb, and the other hand resting on the back of his neck.

This is how their relationship was – strictly casual without any obligations or responsibilities that couples had towards each other, with the added bonus of being allowed to touch whenever they felt like it. Dean had never felt more content.

 

x

 

“So I’ll see you at lunch right?” Castiel asked Dean as he started to walk towards his next class. It had been about two weeks since they had started a more intimate relationship, and although Castiel still wanted more than anything to be Dean’s boyfriend, what they had now surely topped that which they had two weeks ago. Castiel couldn’t help thinking that it would mature into something more.

“Ah, actually you won’t,” Dean said and this took Castiel by surprise. They may not be dating but they still spent lunch together more often than not.

“Why not?” Castiel questioned, hitting Dean’s shoulder affectionately. He laughed and Castiel smiled. Dean had a really nice laugh.

“I’m going off campus with Benny and a few of his friends today,” Dean replied.

“Benny, like from computer tech?”

“Yeah, we’ve become pretty good friends since we’ve been partners in that class and all. He’s a sophomore, and I’m going to go hang out with him and his sophomore friends.” Dean had a smug smile on his face.

“You just think you’re so cool, don’t you?” Castiel said. The more he thought about it, the less and less he liked the idea of Dean with Benny. The guy wasn’t terribly ugly and he and Dean had become pretty close. It’s not like Castiel could say anything though – they weren’t a couple, as he just loved to remind himself.

“And you’re just jealous,” Dean stated and Castiel scowled. It was true, of course, though Dean had probably meant it as a joke. “Well, don’t be. He’s just a friend.”

“ _I’m_ just a friend,” Cas retorted, mood suddenly turned sour.

“He’s not like you,” Dean said.

“No?” Castiel questioned, and damn if he didn’t already feel a bit better.

“No one’s like you, Cas.”

 

x

 

“So, Cassy, how’s your casual relationship with Dean going?” Meg asked. There was a bit of a bite to her words and she knew it. She could also see right through Castiel and knew that he wasn’t fine with all of this.

“Great actually.” Meg continued to stare at him as they sat down across from each other at the little picnic table. He began to unpack his lunch as he continued, “Really I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that.”

“Yes you do, you’re not a complete idiot.” He glared at her and she just shrugged and took a sip of her soda. Meg sighed when he didn’t say anything in response. “I know you. And know that you’re not okay with things being casual and you won’t say anything because at least you get to spend time with him and make out with him and fuck him-“

“Meg!” Castiel snapped. He glared at her and she could see his efforts to amplify his anger because his casual composure was already breaking.

“All I’m saying is this is tearing you up. You get to be with him, but you don’t _really_ get to be with him.” Meg saw his face fall as he heard the truth spoken plainly. “It’s fucked up and frankly I want to punch Dean for doing this to you-“

“Meg…” Castiel pleaded and this time it was soft and a little sad.

“Really though. If you want something more and he isn’t willing to give it to you then he’s not worth it. I just think that you should end it before any real damage is done.”

Castiel’s scowl turned into something sadder as he looked down and slowly began to pick his grapes off the stem. He just slowly shook his head. “I won’t,” he said softly. “We just need more time, that’s all.”

Meg frowned and something in her heart broke for her friend. The way he said that made her believe that he was more trying to convince himself than her. She shrugged it off, forced a smile, and nudged Castiel in the shoulder. “So how about that geometry test yesterday? It was fuckin’ terrible.”

 

x

 

Dean mostly just invited himself. Benny couldn’t recall ever having actually asked the boy to have lunch with him, or hang out after school. In fact, Benny couldn’t even remember giving Dean his number. For all he knew, Dean could’ve swiped it off him in computer tech when Benny was doing all the work as usual. Honestly, he wouldn’t be surprised.

Dean Winchester was very different than anyone Benny knew. For at least the first week or two after they met, he was dead sure that Dean was coming on to him. The kid’s speech was riddled with innuendos and suggestive remarks, and each was said with a weird tone of seriousness that Benny was never sure what to make of. But the more they hung out, the more Benny considered that perhaps this was just Dean’s way of acting. Plus, he was pretty sure that Dean had something going on with that friend of his – Cas.  At least, Cas looked at Dean like he was the entire world and then some. Benny thought it would be almost gross if Cas weren’t so cute about it.

Liking someone to that level was a mystery to Benny. He had contemplated his own sexuality a number of times, but he never really ended with a clear result. He wouldn’t say that he was gay, but he wasn’t entirely sure that he was straight either. So then, perhaps he was bisexual. But then again, Benny hadn’t ever actually felt physically attracted to anyone yet, and so then he would contemplate if maybe he were asexual. Mostly, it was all just too confusing and Benny tried to just not think about it at all.

Generally, sophomore year had been good to him so far. Uneventful, but good.

 

**_New Message From: Dean Winchester  1:34pm_ **

_still wanna hang downtown after school 2day?_

Benny was currently in his algebra class, and playing dumb games on his phone because he thought that algebra was boring and he had already finished the homework. He was also texting Dean. Girls in their computer tech class that day had asked if they were going to get married. Benny wondered if he should spend less time with Dean.

 

**_New Message To: Dean Winchester_ **

_yeah – meet by the stairs?_

 

x

 

Castiel drew to pass the time. Whether he was at home and bored or in a class and bored, he drew. He focused a lot on people because he felt as if he could never get them quite right. To animate something living and breathing onto a still and flat piece of paper was a great challenge. Castiel felt as if they always looked dead, or lost, or sad no matter how realistically he had drawn them. He wanted to draw Dean but he knew he wouldn’t like the outcome. He wasn’t confidant in his ability to accurately represent both Dean’s physical characteristics and the unseen character of the boy.

When he wasn’t drawing he was listening to music. He liked to pay attention to the words. That’s part of the reason he liked alternative music or indie music or underground music – whatever you like to call it. Granted, he preferred the way it sounded, but he also loved the lyrics. Without an obligation to maintain popularity or please the masses, he found that a lot of them told stories in a unique way or without even telling them at all.

Castiel made a lot of playlists. Most were based on places or events or emotions. A lot were about Dean. He would often consider giving him one but it didn’t seem right. Dean would probably just find it weird and then Castiel would end up embarrassing himself. Plus, a lot of them were about love and he can bet that it would just make Dean uncomfortable. Castiel wanted to hold onto whatever fragments of a relationship that they had.

He dropped his pencil on his desk, abandoning the drawing of a boy with dark wings that he had been working on. Castiel reached over to his computer and turned up the volume of the song that was currently playing before he walked over on his bed and flopped down on his back. He stared up at his ceiling, naming each constellation as he scanned the glow in the dark stars that were placed there.

Dean had joined a school club. Benny was also in the club. Castiel didn’t bother learning the name of the club because he was too bitter to care. Dean texted Benny. Dean had lunch with Benny. Dean hung out with Benny after school. Dean kissed Castiel.

Everything was just spiraling into a storm of confusion that Castiel unwillingly found himself at the center of. Dean had made it out to seem that it all was so simple, but perhaps that was because Dean didn’t worry about falling in love. Castiel considered himself to have fallen already.

Meg certainly wasn’t helping. For a best friend, she sure wasn’t being supportive at all. She even giggled with Ruby about how Dean and Benny acted in their computer tech class, and today had been the worst yet.

 

_Castiel sat at the computer and stared at the list of computer parts, not really absorbing any of the information. Meg had no idea what she was doing either, and frankly, he questioned his choice of her as a partner. He had looked to Dean initially, but he had already paired up with Benny. Castiel watched them often, wondering if Dean looked at Benny differently than Dean looked at him, or if it seemed like Dean was falling in love. But Castiel never really could tell, and his bitterness about the whole situation grew._

_Meg had left briefly to talk to Ruby, and the two of them were now standing next to Dean and Benny, or rather, DeanandBenny since the two of them were sharing a chair. They did something cute like look in each other’s eyes, or touch each other’s arms and Meg and Ruby started giggling and squealing._

_“Are you two going to get married?” Meg teased and Ruby giggled more._

_Castiel continued to watch, seemingly unable to turn away, as Dean looked at Benny and then back at Meg. With a dead serious expression, he replied simply, “Yes.” Dean then proceeded to prop his elbow up on Benny’s shoulder, leaning on his apparent fiancée. Benny just snorted and shook his head._

Castiel quickly reached for his phone, searched through his music, pressed the play button, and cranked up the volume as the song changed to the point where it drowned out his thoughts. He felt like crying. He didn’t like crying. He wished Anna were here. She was the only person Castiel really truly trusted. She was also the only person he ever officially came out to. It had gone as follows:

 

_“Anna,” Castiel had started shakily. He was never a very confidant person, and middle school hadn’t made anything easier. However, there was something about his new sense of identity as a seventh grader that made Castiel more self-aware, and ever so slightly more self-confidant. “I think I’m gay.”_

_She hadn’t looked even a little surprised. Rather, she raised an eyebrow and retorted, “You think?”_

_Castiel had smiled at this point, already feeling relieved that she knew and didn’t care. “Anna, I’m gay,” Castiel revised. Anna smiled toothlessly and ruffled his hair._

_“It’s all fine,” she had said._

 

Everyone else just seemed to assume that Castiel was either gay or too much of a nerd to even be interested in girls. Castiel may have been inclined to say that both were somewhat correct. So he never felt the need to officially say it. Meg knew and Dean knew and that was all that really mattered.

Castiel tried to take deep breaths, fighting back tears that were on the brink of erupting. All of this these small things were manifesting into a sense of insecurity that Castiel had never experienced before. He was questioning himself and Dean and what they had. It was important to him and he didn’t like that he felt as though he were losing it.

He was glad that none of his brothers were home in case he really did break down into a full on pity party. The music was near deafening by this point, but Castiel only wished he could turn it up louder. However, it was interrupted briefly by a short noise that indicated a new text message. Castiel sharply turned his head, looking at his phone where it rested on his bedside table. He could tell that his eyes were red from nonexistent tears.

Unable to ignore the alert noise, Castiel grabbed his phone and stared at the screen.

 

**_New Message From: Dean  4:47pm_ **

_hey im leaving downtwn, was hangin w benny, can i come over to ur place for a bit? i was thinking i could bring over jurassic park and we could not watch it ;)_

Castiel fumbled to unlock his phone, but he didn’t respond to Dean. At least not right away. He had another agenda.

 

**_New Message To: Meg Masters  4:47pm_ **

_You are a terrible friend and I hate you._

**_New Message To: Meg Masters  4:48pm_ **

_Don’t even try talking to me at school on Monday._

 

He didn’t care that he was being mean, because at that moment he felt angry and confused and sad and Meg wasn’t helping him. So Meg became an enemy. More than that, he just needed to express how he felt to someone.

 

**_New message To: Anna Novak  4:48pm_ **

_I’m thinking of living out the rest of my life alone. As a hermit maybe. Easier that way. I won’t have to deal with people. People are confusing. Humanity is confusing._

**_New Message To: Dean  4:49 pm_ **

_I don’t want you to come over._

 

x

 

Dean had been riding his bike a lot more. His mother had been thrilled at the idea, pleased that her son would be getting some “real exercise.” Dean didn’t really care about exercising. The only reason he rode his bike now was out of convenience of not having to rely on his mother to drive him everywhere.

He rounded the corner and stopped his bike on the sidewalk, pulling out his phone to check his messages.

 

**_New Message From: Benny Lafitte  4:52pm_ **

_ur a dick_

Dean couldn’t immediately remember what he had said to prompt that response, but it wasn’t surprising at all. He just shrugged and cracked a smile.

 

**_New Message From: Cas  4:49pm_ **

_I don’t want you to come over._

This was the confusing one. If there were one thing Dean thought could rely on Cas for, it would be, simply, the other boy’s reliability. He pretty much count on Cas for anything, especially his less than busy schedule. So Cas’s words now were almost like a slap to the face. Cas hadn’t said that Dean _couldn’t_ come over, but that he _didn’t want_ him to. Dean glanced up to the window on the top floor of the house that his bike was parked near.

 

**_New Message To: Cas  4:55pm_ **

_im outside ur house_

 

Even from outside Dean could hear a faint rumble of Cas’s music. Hell knows what made him decide to turn it up so loud.

 

**_New Message From: Cas  4:55pm_ **

_Go away._

 

**_New Message To: Cas  4:55pm_ **

_what the hell cas?? did i do something?_

**_New Message From: Cas  4:56pm_ **

_I don’t want to not watch Jurassic Park._

**_New Message To: Cas  4:56pm_ **

_ok then lets watch it_

**_New Message From: Cas  4:56pm_ **

_No. I don’t want to see you. Not like this._

 

Dean was thoroughly confused. Cas had never shut him out. It was a completely foreign and entirely unpleasant feeling to be unwanted by Cas.

 

**_New Message To: Cas  4:56pm_ **

_like what?_

**_New Message From: Cas  4:57pm_ **

_Just go Dean. Please._

It took a while for Dean to respond. Part of him wanted to just do what Cas requested, but another part of him wanted to defy him and go to him, hold him maybe, and figure out what was going on.

****

**_New Message To: Cas  4:58pm_ **

_ok_

x

 

Castiel didn’t like crying. It was messy and just made him feel sadder than the initial sadness that prompted the crying in the first place. To Castiel, the act of crying was entirely counterproductive. Despite his efforts, a few tears escaped and made trails down his cheeks. Castiel wouldn’t say that this was crying.

 _Would we wish we were hand in hand? / Would I even be your chosen man?_ the song sang. It rang loudly through his ears despite its mellow nature. His text alert sounded one more time.

 

**_New Message From: Dean  4:58pm_ **

_ok_

 

In part, Castiel was relieved.

But the other part wished that Dean had made more of an effort. He wished Dean had tired harder to get an explanation, to follow by refuting him and reassuring him of his affections. To admit, just this once, that he cared.

The part of Castiel that was relieved was not the dominant one at all.

 

x

 

They went a week without talking, a week without texting. Castiel would be the one to break the silence. It was a Friday.

 

**_New Message To: Dean  9:06pm_ **

_I don’t think you deserve it, but I love you._

**_New Message From: Dean  9:21pm_ **

_don’t_

**_New Message To: Dean  9:21pm_ **

_Would you have loved me back?_

**_New Message To: Dean  9:21pm_ **

_With time?_

**_New Message From: Dean  9:22pm_ **

_cas stop_

**_New Message To: Dean  9:22pm_ **

_Just tell me._

**_New Message From: Dean  9:30pm_ **

_no_

**_New Message From: Dean  9:34pm_ **

_i don’t fall in love with anyone_

**_New Message From: Dean  9:34pm_ **

_i don’t want to_

**_New Message From: Dean  10:01pm_ **

_cas?_


	4. Chapter 4

Meg used to ask Castiel about Dean. Every once in a while, she’d find a way to slip his name into a conversation and then ask Castiel if he had talked to Dean, if he was doing all right. Castiel knew she thought she was being clever, but he had always known what she was up to. It used to make him sad, then angry, and then just uncomfortable until enough time had passed when Meg knew she wasn’t going to get an answer and just stopped asking.

The latter half of his ninth grade year had been weird. Castiel had initially avoided Dean, but that became too awkward so he tried at casual acquaintances. He didn’t seek out Dean or hang out with him at all, but he would smile, say hi, and even have a conversation if it got that far. Dean seemed to go along with it, hesitantly at first but then almost too easily. Castiel had been mad at Dean’s easy acceptance of their new relationship, but this was soon followed by Castiel getting mad by the fact that he even became mad in the first place. Dean didn’t care about him like that, and Castiel didn’t want to care about Dean either. So he decided not to.

After that, everything was easy. Castiel busied himself with schoolwork and the occasional volunteer job. He hung out with Meg occasionally and even his friend group (Dean wasn’t there a majority of the time), but mostly he enjoyed his own company.

Sophomore year went by without anything particularly notable. Castiel had taken on some AP classes, and whatever small piece of a social life he had maintained was then promptly erased. He talked to Meg more than anyone else. Gabriel had asked what had happened to him and when Castiel replied with “relationship problems and AP classes” the questions stopped. Nobody seemed to care, but Castiel no longer did either.

Meg told him once, in the early months of that school year, that Dean had kissed Benny and that they weren’t friends anymore because Benny hadn’t wanted that. Castiel only laughed a little and then forgot. A little piece of himself, buried deep long ago, wanted to feel sorry for Dean. He didn’t.

So now Castiel found himself walking up the steps to the school on his first day of junior year wrapped up in some sort of caged freedom from his feelings about Dean Winchester. He hadn’t thought about him in a long time. His phone buzzed in his pocket.

 

**_New Message From: Dean Winchester  7:43am_ **

_Castiel Novak! It’s been a while_

Castiel nearly groaned. He had almost forgotten that he even still had Dean’s number. He had changed the contact name back in freshman year when he was angry enough to decide that Dean was no longer special enough to warrant the use of only his first name. Castiel was glad for it now.

 

**_New Message To: Dean Winchester  7:43am_ **

_Yes it has Dean._

**_New Message From: Dean Winchester  7:43am_ **

_Wow, junior year huh? We’re halfway to getting out of this place_

**_New Message To: Dean Winchester  7:44am_ **

_Yeah._

**_New Message From: Dean Winchester  7:44am_ **

_Did you have a good summer?_

**_New Message To: Dean Winchester  7:44am_ **

_Yes._

**_New Message From: Dean Winchester  7:45am_ **

_I’m glad_

The bell rang, but Castiel was already on his way to his first class. He tucked his phone in the side pocket of his backpack and continued walking.

 

x

 

Dean didn’t know what loving someone meant because he had always tried to avoid it. Since he was young he had see the dysfunctional relationships of his parents, neighbors, and couples in the movies. At one point they had all claimed that they were in love with each other. And it was apparent that their emotional pain had resulted from this love. As an eight-year-old boy, Dean had established that being in love with someone meant surrendering your emotions to the other person completely. You would be left so vulnerable that one person could break you. Dean’s father had always emphasized strength in a man as a valuable trait. Dean vowed to never let love render him so weak.

Through years of practice, he became numb to any feeling resembling love. He almost forgot about its existence entirely.

There was something different about the third of September during freshman year. The wind carried a distinct coolness that was just a bit early for the season. The day seemed quieter, if that’s even possible. Dean could recall every minute of it, even now. But the different feeling extended beyond the weather and the peaceful calm, and as he walked from school with his best friend he found that he suddenly couldn’t breathe. Cas’s eye’s were blue – a stunning blue, that reminded Dean somehow of both the ocean and the open sky. Cas’s slightly shaggy hair was askew in the front as a result from the odd wind and it made him seem...beautiful. Cas was smart. Cas was always nice to him. Cas was really the only person who seemed to understand Dean. It was as if the world had gained new color that it had lacked before.

The rest was like a really bad romantic tragedy.

Dean kissed Cas. Cas got that dumb look in his eyes and despite how much he liked it, Dean wished he could take it all back because it looked very close to the elusive love. Dean was scared and he panicked. Dean wanted to kiss Cas again. They took things casually. Cas wanted more. He always had. Dean fucked up. Dean turned to Benny. Things were good for a while. Dean kissed Benny. Dean was left alone.

Now junior year was on his doorstep and everything was in ruins.

Perhaps, if Dean were able to admit it, he would have said that he loved Cas since they met in fifth grade. He would’ve kissed him when they sat under the stars that one cold night during the summer after eighth grade. They would’ve been dating by freshman year. But Dean told himself, and thus anyone who asked, that he didn’t love anyone. Never had.

He wouldn’t have any classes with Cas this year, unless they ended up with a mutual elective. He knew just by knowing Cas that the boy would be taking any AP or honors class that he could. Dean wasn’t trying to fool anyone and was naturally in every normal level course.

They hadn’t texted since early sophomore year. They hadn’t spent real time together since freshman year. Dean used to tell himself that it was all fine, and honestly he didn’t think about it much. But by now he realized that it was all just a façade.

His father had moved out, or rather, left the summer before Dean’s junior year started. He said he had a job to do. Neither Dean, Mary, nor Sam knew what that meant. Mary cried and begged him not to go. “What about the kids?” she’d said. Sam was quiet. They had always fought, John and Sam. Dean didn’t watch him go. John had always taught him about the necessity of strength and a devotion to family, and here he was – leaving. It left Dean to question the foundation behind everything his father had told him.

Dean thought he knew himself and what he had to become. Now he was a mess. That was when he started thinking about Cas again, and everything just became more confused. Had he loved Cas? _Could_ he love Cas? But the idea of it was making his head hurt and his heart hurt, so Dean decided that even thought most of what his father had taught him was wrong, it had been a good decision not to be subjected to love.

He didn’t really know what prompted him to text Cas on the first day of school. He had thought about Cas a lot over the summer, yet he didn’t think about him deeply enough. He thought about Cas’s appearance and personality. He didn’t think about how he felt about him or what he would do about it. But when Cas replied, something within Dean felt warm.

They had painting class together. It was an elective that Dean chose to get some art credit and Cas most likely just took it to fill some space in his schedule. Dean hadn’t seen Cas in a while, or at least hadn’t paid attention. The other boy was wearing a chunky knit cardigan over loose t-shirt that was tucked in a one corner to a pair of tight tan pants held up by a black belt. He had an earbud in one ear and was reading out of an AP chemistry textbook. His hair was still shaggy, but he now wore it even more ruffled than before. _God_ , Dean thought, _Cas has turned into a hipster_. A few girls showed up at his table and he looked up and smiled. Cas started to talk to them. One Dean recognized as a girl named Hannah, but the other two were strangers. Dean found himself almost jealous.

When class ended, Dean got out of his seat quickly so that he would run into Cas as he was leaving the room. Sure enough, Cas almost ran into him as he walked. Dean cracked a smile. “Hey Cas,” he tried. Cas just smiled in a way that was at least partially forced before one of the girls tugged on his arm and pulled him away.

Dean didn’t know what he had expected, but something within him felt broken.

 

x

 

Meg hadn’t seen Castiel all summer, and when they met up at lunch she was a bit surprised when she first saw him. She laughed upon his approach to their spot on the grass. He just raised his eyebrows and looked a little offended.

“What happened to you, Cassy?” she said and ruffled his hair as he sat down. Castiel pawed at her hand and tried to adjust his hair. This didn’t make any sense to Meg because his hair had already been disorderly and she certainly didn’t make it any worse.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he said and moved to pull out his lunch, picking out an apple and taking a bite. Meg only gawked and gestured in a large circle to him. Castiel shrugged and said, “Oh you mean my appearance. Personally, I think it’s an improvement from before. Long story short, I met these girls at this concert and they offered to take me shopping and help me with my wardrobe. They also have great taste in music.”

Meg shrugged and decided to go with it. “Well I think anything would’ve been an improvement from blue jeans and plain t-shirts.” Castiel scoffed and rolled his eyes. This made Meg laugh. “Just saying!” She paused, looking at him. They didn’t talk much recently, part of that being her fault, and Meg missed him. He wasn’t the cute dorky boy anymore, but he still had the same blue eyes and he was still, somehow, _her_ Castiel. “I missed ya, Clarence.”

Castiel smiled. “You too.”

“So,” Meg began, thoroughly curious, “were these girls you met in college or high school?” She wiggled her eyebrows and Castiel nearly snorted.

“High School,” he replied. “They go here actually.”

“Oh,” she said slowly, trying to think of who they were. “Wait, were you with them at break? I think I saw you.”

Castiel nodded. “Yeah that was them. Tessa, Hannah, and Bela.”

Meg rolled her eyes. “They look like pretentious wannabe hipsters.” Castiel actually laughed at this, a real laugh, and Meg grinned widely. He seemed genuinely happy. Meg hadn’t seen him like this since the beginning of freshman year. “You look good,” she said more seriously.

Castiel nodded slowly. “As do you, Meg.”

“So what, are you gonna be buying ugly sweaters and obscure music now?” Meg teased.

“Stop,” Castiel groaned, but he was still smiling at her. Then, after a pause, “Yes probably. I won’t buy the ugly kind, but sweaters are comfortable _and_ stylish and my music taste has always been fabulous and you know it.”

“Embrace the gay,” Meg sang.

Castiel flipped his hair and put a hand on his hip. “Already have, darling.” He winked and licked his lips seductively. No, this wasn’t the old Castiel, but he wasn’t someone new either. Just…upgraded, Meg decided.

Here she was, having lunch with Castiel who looked happy and _free_ after she had worried about him for so long. She had missed him. Here he was. Meg was happy.

 

x

 

Dean was lying on his back and questioning whether or not he had blinked recently. He couldn’t remember. His sheets felt cold and his ceiling was too dark and too blank. Dean wished he had Cas’s stars. Or rather, he wished he were under Cas’s stars. Dean had always preferred the way Cas saw the world. He felt so tired, but sleep was somewhere far away. He couldn’t seem to catch it, even though he tried so hard in the chase.

Looking to his right, Dean saw that the clock on his bedside table illuminated in bright blue lettering that the time was 2:43 AM. He sighed for lack of any other action. Another Friday passed and his thoughts were still in rambles, his life still seemingly broken. Dean didn’t know where to find the pieces.

Even after all this time, his first instinct was to call Cas and ask him. Cas always had all the answers. More than anything Dean wanted to call him, but more so just to hear his voice than to actually get any solution. Dean was only just beginning to admit to himself that he missed him.

But it was almost three in the morning and Dean wouldn’t be able to speak to Cas anyway. What could he say after he treated Cas like shit in ninth grade year? So he opted for texting.

He didn’t send “I miss you,” “I think I might love you,” “I’m sorry,” “I never deserved you,” or even “Hey Cas” (though he did spend several minutes staring at each one after having typed it before deleting it). What he sent was:

 

**_New Message To: Cas  2:51am_ **

_Are you awake?_

It was a dumb question and Dean knew it, but he’d rather play dumb than delve into anything remotely close to his feelings and crap. Though perhaps this was the reasoning at the center of all of his problems.

Dean didn’t expect a reply, though he wanted it. Cas was reluctant enough to talk to him, and a stupid question wouldn’t do the trick.

He was thoroughly shocked when his phone lit up and announced a reply.

 

**_New Message From: Cas  2:53am_ **

_Well I am now assbutt._

**_New Message To: Cas  2:53am_ **

_I’m sorry_

**_New Message From: Cas  2:54am_ **

_I don’t know why I even responded to you._

**_New Message From: Cas  2:54am_ **

_But what made you decide to wake me up at 3:00 in the morning??_

**_New Message To: Cas  2:54am_ **

_Couldn’t sleep._

**_New Message To: Cas  2:55am_ **

_I am sorry though. About everything_

**_New Message From: Cas  2:56am_ **

_Goodnight Dean_

Dean stared at his phone until it was three in the morning. He didn’t know how he should feel. He was upset and hurt that Cas dismissed his apology, but he was thrilled that he even replied at all.

Thinking about the boy with the dark hair and blue eyes, Dean finally drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

“Honestly, I don’t know what type of weird music Cas likes, and I don’t really give a shit either. Why the fuck are you asking me, anyway? I was _his_ best friend, not yours, so I have an obligation to hate you.”

“Jesus Christ, calm down Meg!” Dean pleaded, and though she would never admit it, Meg felt badly about treating him so coldly. They had been friends for a while before ninth grade. “I was just curious and looking to expand my musical repertoire.”

Meg sighed and looked at him. “I don’t pay attention to stuff like that, sorry. If you were actually curious and didn’t want to just ask him personally, although I actually don’t suggest that, then ask his new friends. Look for a group of girls who look like they’re trying too hard to not try hard.”

“Thanks, Meg.” Dean looked a little empty. From what she had heard, he had lost a lot within the past year. Meg hadn’t even seen him with any friends this school year. She smiled weakly at him in a way that was close to pity, and began to walk away.

“I’ve tried to tell him that I’m sorry.” Meg paused and turned around to face Dean with a furrowed brow.

“You’ve talked to Cas?” she asked. Castiel hadn’t told her about this, and Meg felt oddly out of the loop.

“Yeah,” Dean said slowly. “Not directly. Mostly just texting, and not a lot of that.” From all she had known, Castiel hadn’t spoken to Dean in any way for a very long time. She couldn’t even remember. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” Meg looked up at him and was surprised to find that he looked raw, without any sort of emotional barriers that he had worn for what she thought to be his entire life.

“You’re different,” she stated. Dean didn’t look surprised at the comment.

“I gave up the act. Figured I don’t have anything to lose, right?” He looked down at the floor and shrugged. “Look where it got me.”

The city bus that took Meg home every day slowly rolled up to the stop they were currently standing at. The weather was beginning to drop to temperatures that made Meg almost glad to see the old thing.

“You ever taken the bus home Dean?” she asked as the doors opened.

“Sure,” he replied. Meg nodded and gestured to the bus. Dean took out some money for the bus fare as they walked. She always chose a seat in the farthest back corner of the bus and Dean followed her.

“It may not have seemed like it,” Meg began as the bus pulled away from the stop, “but Castiel was very fragile freshman year. He adored you.”

Dean sighed. “I know, or I tried to pretend I didn’t.” Meg stared at him in a way that demanded more explanation without having to say anything. “He told me. I fucked it up. Everything went to shit. You know the story.”

Meg shook her head and didn’t say anything for a few moments. “Who were you trying to be, Dean Winchester?” she asked softly.

Dean smiled and Meg wondered how a smile could be so sad. She thought that perhaps no one had ever asked him the right questions.

He took a deep breath before answering. “When I was young I was confidant with who I was. But then again, I guess everyone is when they’re a kid. As I grew up I saw more than enough examples of people in love who fall out of love and the kind of pain that inflicts. My parents included, and I saw that every day.”

Dean paused long enough for Meg to decide to reach across and grab his hand. He smiled again, and this time it wasn’t sad.

“My dad used to give me countless lectures about how men need to be strong and support their family, and I think I had started to associate strength with an absence of pain,” Dean continued. “And that led to the belief that I couldn’t fall in love and remain strong like my dad wanted. So I never let myself even have a crush on anybody.” Dean looked as though he was surprised at himself and Meg realized that he had never said any of this to anyone.

“How did you do that?”

“Years and years of practice. I think it got to the point where I forgot I was doing it.” Meg laughed a little because this is what she had assumed since middle school. Dean looked slightly wounded. “What?”

“It’s just that I always thought that about you. That you didn’t even know how you were acting.” Now Dean looked genuinely interested.

“How was I acting?”

“You were the biggest flirt! Everybody wanted to date you because they thought you liked them. Myself included.” Dean looked like a truck had just hit him. “Don’t worry, my crush didn’t last long because I was the only one to figure you out.”

“Smart,” he said. Then, “I think my stop is coming up.”

Meg nodded. “Look, text me or call me whenever okay?” Dean nodded and turned to look out the window as the bus began to slow down. “One more thing,” Meg said and Dean looked back. “Do you love Cas? Now, I mean.” Dean didn’t respond right away. The bus stopped.

“Maybe.” He stood up and swung his backpack onto his back. “I don’t know.” Meg watched Dean get off the bus and start to walk down the street until it took off again and he was cast out of sight.

 

x

 

“You’re an idiot. A complete jerk. Why wouldn’t you tell me all of this earlier?” Dean had made the decision to tell his younger brother about everything that had happened between himself and Cas and Benny. He could trust Sam to be at least somewhat understanding, and he really needed someone else he could talk to besides Meg. It had been just a few weeks since they had ridden the bus together and Dean hadn’t gotten much help out of her. He hadn’t been expecting much, but she always replied to his texts at least an hour or two after he sent them and she hardly ever answered her phone when Dean actually managed to call. When he thought about it, Dean didn’t really know why he hadn’t told Sam everything in the first place.

“I dunno Sammy,” he stated. “I guess it never occurred to me.” Sam just rolled his eyes. Dean knew that the kid was already much smarter and emotionally stable than he was, and Sam was only in seventh grade.

“Not good enough, Dean,” Sam sighed. “But knowing you, I don’t really expect a better answer.” Dean frowned. Sam didn’t have to be a bitch about it. They were both sitting on Dean’s bed and Sam pulled his legs up, draped his arms over his knees, and rested his chin on top. “So,” he began. “What are you going to do?”

Dean didn’t even try to pretend that he didn’t know what Sam was talking about. Perhaps a few months ago he would’ve. “I don’t know Sam, that’s why I came to you. I told him I’m sorry, I’ve been nice-“

“Okay so you talked to him in person then?” Sam raised an eyebrow as if he already knew Dean’s answer and didn’t approve.

“Well not really.” Sam shook his head and Dean tried to redeem himself by adding, “But I did text him.”

“I think you can probably guess why that wasn’t effective,” Sam pointed out. Dean nodded.

“I was going to make him a mixtape - or probably a CD since I don’t know if he has a tape player.” Dean looked down at his hands in his lap, somewhat embarrassed by his idea once he said it out loud. Sam didn’t say anything and Dean suddenly felt the need to justify himself. “I mean, Cas likes music, and I’m shit with apologies so…” Dean trailed off, unable to find the right words. Sam just continued to look at him, his gaze softened.

“That’s actually kind of sweet, Dean,” Sam commented. Not too long ago Dean would’ve cringed at the use of the word “sweet” to describe him, but now he felt relieved. “I still think you should just apologize in person, but this is actually a clever idea. Like do it in addition to actually apologizing maybe?” Sam suggested.

Dean smiled at him, unsure as to whether or not he would actually end up taking his brother’s advice. “Sure,” he said anyway.

There was a comfortable silence for a while before Sam spoke up again.

“Do you love him? Castiel?”

“You’re the second person to ask me that today.” Dean realized he still didn’t really have an answer. “I mean, maybe.” Sam wasn’t saying anything and Dean began to feel shifty. “Probably.” He started to think about it seriously, taking into account how he felt when around Cas, or even how he’d perk up at the mere mention of the other boy’s name. “I think so,” then after a pause, “Yes.”

Sam erupted into a grin so fast that Dean was momentarily stunned. “Now we’re getting somewhere!” Sam exclaimed. “I’m proud of you Dean.” He moved off the bed and started to walk towards the door. Dean began to panic, having never admitted something like that, even to himself, and now Sam was about to walk out without even talking about it. Dean wasn’t one for chick flick moments or discussing feelings, but he needed Sam at the moment.

“Sammy,” Dean called out, trying not to sound as overwhelmed as he felt. Sam paused with his hand on the doorknob and turned around to face his brother. “What am I supposed to do?” Dean could almost hear the whine in his own voice.

Sam pointlessly looked around Dean’s walls, which were mostly blank with the occasional band poster, and then exhaled loudly. “You get him back.” Sam’s voice was even as if this was a simple and obvious solution. “Jerk,” he added playfully and smiled.

“Bitch,” Dean finished and watched as Sam left his room. He collapsed on his bed as Sam shut the door behind him and huffed. He spent a lot of time in that position of recent, just thinking. Most times it was about Cas.

He had started by blaming Cas for how he had reacted, but Dean couldn’t keep that up for long. He didn’t like putting Cas at fault for anything. Next it was his father with his ridiculous ideas for how Dean should act. But the more he thought about it, the more Dean blamed himself. Nobody was forcing him to be a complete ass.

For lack of a better idea and feeling just slightly impulsive, Dean grabbed his phone.

 

**_New Message To: Cas  5:18pm_ **

_Hey_

Dean didn’t expect an immediate response, or any response for that matter, so he rolled off of his bed and sat back down in front of his computer. He returned to his Google search, and browsed through another blog that claimed it held all the secrets to the best unknown music.

Since it was the only thing Dean really felt committed to, he took a week to finish the CD. He had even asked Hannah for help, sending her a Facebook message and trying his best not to arouse suspicion. He wasn’t even sure if Cas had told her what had happened. She had responded though, giving him song and band recommendations, just as cheery as one is with someone they only kind of know.

Cas hadn’t responded to the text he had sent last Friday. Dean was done trying to tell himself that he didn’t care. He did and it hurt.

 

x

 

Castiel was angry with himself for the amount of times he thought about replying to Dean’s texts, even if it would be just to say “fuck off asshole.” Though, if he was being truly honest with himself it may have turned out to be more along the lines of “oh hi I’ve missed you and your face and your laugh and your stupid sense of humor let’s hang out and then fall in love again.” He wouldn’t let that happen.

Dean kept sending him random texts every few days. Sometimes just a greeting, other times weird things that Sam said to him, and even the occasional tale of grocery shopping antics. Castiel didn’t respond to any of them, though he did begin to smile when he read them. This, of course, led to more anger for an apparent lack of better control, and Castiel began to feel like he was at war with himself.

Dean continued to text him throughout winter break, but after that it stopped. Castiel stopped being angry with himself and was instead just disappointed. He knew that he should’ve seen it coming since he never did respond and Dean must get tired of holding a one-sided conversation at all time, but he was still upset about it. And so the winter months came and went without much event.

It was early April when Dean found him studying alone at lunch. Castiel had a new favorite spot outside on the grass in the courtyard of the school. It was shaded by a large tree and was for the most part empty. He really didn’t know how Dean found him there. Maybe it was simply by accident. A part of Castiel hoped that it wasn’t.

Dean didn’t say anything. He just walked up and sat down next to Castiel, taking his lunch out of his backpack without a sound. Castiel was surprised and confused, staring at the other boy as he took a bite out of his sandwich.

“What are you doing?” Castiel questioned after several awkward moments in which he realized that he would have to be the one to speak first.

Dean looked at him as if nothing was wrong. “I’m having lunch.”

“I can see that,” Castiel commented. Dean just nodded. He could tell that he had his eyes narrowed in confusion. “So why here?” he prompted slowly.

“You’re here.” Castiel was dumbfounded. He had no idea where this was coming from. Dean hadn’t even texted him in months and Castiel surely hadn’t said anything. “It’s going to rain tomorrow.”

Castiel decided to just go with it. “Um yeah.”

“You love the rain. You brighten up even at the faintest drizzle.”

“You remember that?”

Dean wore a small and humble smile that was so different from his previous, utterly characteristic smirk. Castiel was almost taken aback at how much Dean had changed in the past two years. He shrugged at Castiel’s question. “It would appear so,” Dean paused and took another bite of his sandwich. Castiel just continued to stare at him, still not processing anything that was happening. They hadn’t actually _spoken_ since ninth grade. He had forgotten what Dean’s voice sounded like. “You’re gonna like tomorrow.”

“Yeah, the beginning of the rainy season is always a joy.” Castiel was surprised at how easily he responded, but then again talking with Dean had always been easy. There was something about his casual tone and the soft green eyes.

Once upon a time Castiel had thought that he loved Dean’s smirk, but now he began to think that this new appearance was a significant improvement. He seemed more real, if that made any sense. “It’s a Saturday so I’ll most likely just sit by my window and read.”

“No more running around and getting your hair so wet that it sticks to your face?” Dean asked, looking almost scandalized. Castiel almost laughed.

“Maybe a little, though now I prefer to just sit and let it fall down all around me.”

Dean seemed to contemplate that for a few moments. “Sounds…refreshing.”

Castiel nodded. “It is.” He looked at his lap where his calculus book remained open. He shut it and put it in his backpack, figuring he wouldn’t be doing any more work this lunch period. Castiel turned back to Dean who had stopped eating and was looking back at him, as if awaiting his next move. Castiel just shook his head because here was Dean, after he’d had nothing for so long. “Would I be crazy to say that I missed you?” Castiel had always been one for saying what he was thinking. Though history would prove that such action ended poorly more often than not.

But Dean didn’t laugh at him. If anything, he looked surprised. “You missed me?”

“Look it’s stupid, you can forget I said anything.” He wasn’t sorry for saying it, but Castiel would try to make it blow over so as to avoid conflict. He really had missed Dean, never having been able to admit it to himself before, and he didn’t want another few years of silence between them.

But Dean didn’t leave. “If you’re crazy for having missed me, than I must be insane.” This was it. Castiel had never been more surprised. He was aware that he was most likely gaping at the other boy, but Castiel wasn’t in the mindset to do anything about it. The bell that announced the end of lunch did little to break his daze. However, Dean getting up accomplished what it could not.

“Wait!” Castiel almost shouted at him. “You can’t just say something like that and leave.”

“I’m not leaving,” Dean pleaded almost desperately, like he had been waiting to reassure Castiel for some time. “It’s just that the bell rang and my class is on the opposite end of the school.”

“We have time,” Castiel tried.

Dean huffed. “Seven minutes isn’t enough to talk about what you want to talk about, and believe me I’m not trying to leave. Meet me here after school okay?” Castiel nodded his agreement. Dean smiled the new smile and walked off.

 

x

 

On Fridays Castiel was always eager for the school day to end, but this was something more. He had spoken to Dean. It was nice. Dean was nice. Dean missed him. It was all too much for Castiel and he almost considered running out of school as soon as it ended to avoid meeting Dean at all. But when the final bell rang at last, Castiel found himself heading over to the small courtyard.

He was waiting for less than a minute before Dean arrived. The other boy was walking at a fast pace and didn’t show any signs of slowing down as he approached Castiel. Indeed he didn’t, instead grabbing Castiel’s hand and pulling him along.

“Whoa Dean, what are you-“ he began.

“Just hold on,” Dean said and kept walking. It took Castiel longer than it should have to realize that they were going in the direction of the parking lot. Nothing was making sense to him that day.

Dean slowed down as they approached what Castiel recognized to be Dean’s father’s ’67 Chevy Impala parked along the curb.

“Is this your car now?” he asked.

Dean stopped when they were standing next to it. “Yeah,” he answered. “Dad left it behind when he took off so it kinda just became mine.”

“Oh,” Castiel said. He hadn’t even known that John Winchester had left, and the sudden knowledge horrified him. No wonder Dean was so changed - he’d had to deal with a lot of shit recently.

“Will you take a drive with me?” Dean asked. By this point, Castiel had begun to feel numb to Dean’s surprises.

“I don’t know,” he said hesitantly, but Dean’s face fell as he said it and Castiel didn’t really want to deny the chance to get away, if only briefly. “Okay, yes I’ll go.” Dean brightened up instantly so that he was practically beaming.

“Alright, great,” he said, unlocking the car so that they could both get in.

“What’s the plan?” Castiel questioned as Dean began to drive away.

“We head north until we reach the rain. That way, we’ll be the first people from this town to feel it.”

Castiel was in love with the idea.

“Perfect,” he confirmed, and then turned to look out the window. Maybe those were rain clouds in the distance.

 

x

 

Dean pulled off to the side of the road when Cas fell asleep on his shoulder. Just over an hour ago they had decided to keep driving into the night and return the following day. Cas’s parents were gone, as usual, and his brothers never gave a shit what he did. Dean had texted Sam who agreed to cover for him at home. Turns out, his mother was actually happy because he was “re-kindling his friendship with Castiel” and she wanted Dean to have more friends again. Dean was almost offended at the notion that his own mother thought that he was a loser who had no friends. It was true, of course, but it still stung.

It was starting to get dark out and they were currently stopped somewhere in between two small towns many miles away from their own. The area was beautiful and Cas hadn’t really shut up about it the entire drive. There were mountains not too far off and pine trees covered just about every surface, and Cas had noticed a few signs indicating that they were driving parallel to a river. “Dean, we must stop there on the way back tomorrow,” Cas had said.

Dean was afraid to move in case the sleeping one woke up. He decided to take a risk and moved his left hand up to run his fingers through Cas’s dark hair. It was soft and Dean just let his hand rest in the middle of it for a few moments before repeating the action. Dean froze when he felt Cas move, but the boy simply nuzzled his cheek against Dean’s shoulder. It was then that Dean heard a soft pattering sound on the roof of the car. He looked up to see the last of the sun had vanished behind a cover thick grey clouds and the thin streaks that proclaimed rainfall danced around outside.

He tapped Cas’s shoulder excitedly. Cas shifted and mumbled before slowly moving his head off of Dean’s shoulder and returning back to his original position in the passenger seat.

“It’s raining Cas,” Dean announced and the other boy was suddenly much more alert, looking outside in the fading light to see that what Dean had said was true.

“Let’s go outside,” Cas said and Dean nodded as they both opened their doors at the same time.

They both just stood still for several moments, letting the light rain drizzle all around them. Dean looked at Cas as the other boy turned his head to the grey clouds above. The grass and the trees and the other plants seemed greener in the presence of the rain.

Cas then turned to him with a wide grin on his face and took off spinning around in circles across the small field that they were parked alongside. He danced and waved his arms in the air and Dean laughed before taking off running after him. They laughed and yelled in wolf-like ways as water began to drip onto their faces from their now rain-soaked hair. Cas collapsed onto the grass and Dean followed suit. They turned their heads to the side and looked at each other for a long time as the rain continued to fall around them without saying anything.

“Didn’t I tell you it was nice to just sit?” Cas said and closed his eyes in perfect contentment.

“I never said I didn’t believe you,” Dean retorted. Cas hummed a response and Dean couldn’t image a moment more perfect than the one he was experiencing. “You’re better than them all Cas.”

Cas opened his eyes and looked right at Dean. “Better than who?”

Dean shrugged. “Everyone.” Cas looked at him for what seemed to be an eternity before quickly moving to kiss Dean on the cheek. He laughed and Dean gaped before smiling too. He reached for Cas’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Cas didn’t pull apart.

They walked back to the car soaked and still holding hands. Dean, having planned this trip for over a week, had come prepared with towels in the trunk. They lined the seats first, to be followed by the act of wrapping the towels around themselves like blankets. The sky was nearly completely dark at this point, and the rain showed no signs of letting up.

“I think we can get a cheap motel room in the next town. I have a fake ID,” Dean suggested as they both clambered back into the car, still attempting to hold the towels close to their bodies while trying not to disrupt the ones that had been placed on the seats. Castiel nodded his consent and Dean started up the car. He wanted to explain everything to Cas, make him understand what had happened two years ago so that maybe they could start again. But perhaps they already had, and Dean didn’t want to risk this new connection for a conversation that may just end it all. So he continued to drive and Cas continued to hold his hand.

 

x

 

Castiel looked out the small dirty window of the old motel room and watched the streaks of rain fall down it. He could still hear it outside, heavier now than it had been hours earlier when he and Dean had ran around in the field. Unable to sleep anyway, Castiel got out of bed and made his way to the door, grabbing one of the keys as he went. He paused in the doorframe and looked over to where Dean, reduced to a dark shape in the lack of light, lay asleep on his bed. Castiel shut the door and walked down the hall, past the lobby, and out the door.

He sat down on the curb that ran alongside the motel and let the rain soak him once again. As soon as he had decided to get in the car with Dean, Castiel stopped thinking things through. The impulsive bit of his brain had been leading him in every action he had made the entire trip. Castiel couldn’t say that he was disappointed with the outcome thus far. But after about an hour of lying on his bed left alone with his thoughts, all Castiel could think about was how Dean had said that he didn’t love him; that he wouldn’t. It was searing his mind and his heart and he felt like crying because how could everything be so good now? Dean had no right to look at Castiel like he had hung the very stars that Dean loved to gaze at.

It wasn’t fair.

His clothes were completely soaked and Castiel began to feel a chill that certainly wouldn’t lead to good health if he stayed out much longer. He slowly walked back inside, pulling his wet jacket tight around him. He had used to think that a raindrop’s life was short – it was born inside of a cloud and then fell to its death. Now he knew it wasn’t so simple. Perhaps the droplet had started in a river. It would’ve evaporated into the sky to then form a cloud, to then condense into a droplet a fall. But that was not its death. It could nourish the ground or even return to the very river in which it had started in a never-ending cycle.

Castiel wondered if his relationship with Dean would be a never-ending cycle of good times and bad. Perhaps every relationship was, but he held on the hope that they were different and everything would turn out well.

Upon re-entering the room, Castiel quickly walked into the bathroom first, grabbing a towel to dry his hair as best as he could manage. He pulled off his jacket and as he hung it up to dry he thought about how glad he was that he went outside barefoot because now he didn’t have to deal with a pair of wet shoes and socks. He repeated the process with his t-shirt and jeans so that he was left in just his boxers, which were significantly less wet than his jeans had been. Castiel exited the bathroom and stood by the edge of Dean’s bed. He could see the other boy curled on his side on the far edge of the twin-sized bed. Castiel lifted up the covers and crawled in next to him, draping his arm around Dean’s middle and creating a perfect spoon. As cliché as it was, Castiel had to admit that their bodies really did seem to have been made to fit with each other.

Castiel nuzzled his nose into Dean’s neck, feeling warm all over when an unconscious Dean moved to better press up against him. They remained in that position for what must have been at least fifteen minutes until Castiel moved.

“Dean I have to know something,” Castiel whispered into Dean’s ear. He brushed his free hand that was not occupied with holding Dean through the boy’s sandy brown hair. Castiel tried to count his freckles, but it proved an even harder task in the dark than in was in normal daylight.

Finally, a few mumbles from Dean announced his semi-awake state. “Cas?” he said groggily. Castiel decided to proceed, still carding his fingers through Dean’s short hair. He couldn’t explain why it was so calming.

“Why wouldn’t you have loved me? Back in ninth grade? It just seemed like you would,” Castiel trailed off and looked off to the opposite wall, almost embarrassed with his question. Dean turned around so that he was facing Castiel and propped himself up against his elbow. Castiel didn’t remove the arm that was around Dean’s waist, and Dean didn’t push it off either. It was Castiel’s tether to the present as he tried to reassure himself that things were different now.

Dean opened his mouth as if to speak but then closed it again, choosing what to say. “I was afraid of heartbreak,” he said.

“Then what are you doing now?” Castiel demanded, wondering how the Dean he thought he’d known was the one to be afraid of heartbreak and how Castiel was then the one to go through it.

“You can’t just not love someone you were meant to love,” Dean responded. “I thought that I could choose not to, but I couldn’t. Only recently did I realize that I had loved and I lost and basically my entire junior year has been one big heartbreak.” Dean’s voice trembled and he paused, taking a deep breath. “So I can’t still be afraid of something that is already happening. I have nothing else to lose.”

Castiel felt infinitely sad for Dean and stared at him with wide eyes. With a speed he didn’t even know he possessed, Castiel lurched forward and covered Dean’s mouth with his own, hands moving up to cup Dean’s cheek and the back of his head. Dean responded without hesitation, shifting closer to Castiel as his frantic hands scratched at the dark-haired boy’s bare back with a bottled desperation.

It wasn’t long before both boys had shed their clothing as they continued to explore each other with their mouths. It was slow, but it was raw with emotion and missed opportunities and Castiel had never felt this connected to anyone in his entire existence. He wasn’t sure if he ever would again. He actually whined when Dean pulled away.

“Hold on,” Dean whispered in a soft voice that nearly made Castiel fall apart right then. He leaned over the edge of the bed and rummaged around in the black duffel bag that he carried with him everywhere. He sat back up looking sheepish as he presented a bottle of lube.

Castiel had to stop himself from laughing. He raised his eyebrows. “You just carry that around?”

Dean sighed. “I wanted to be prepared in case your ass showed up at any time and wanted to have angry make up sex.”

“That’s not what this is, you know.”

“I know.”

They were at each other again quickly enough and the emotion in the room was nearly tangible. Castiel sucked a very noticeable hickey on Dean’s shoulder, and he was pretty sure Dean was leaving marks on his back from where his fingernails dug into his skin, but it didn’t hurt. It was an expression of everything that had went unsaid the past few years. Castiel thought he heard Dean whisper “I love you” into his neck, but he would not be brave enough to ask him later. They came at almost the same time, and whispering each other’s name like it was the very air they breathed.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas was still there when Dean woke up. This had been a fear of his as he was falling asleep the night before - that he would wake up alone with Cas having left after regretting his decision to be with him. Cas was still sleeping and the tip of his nose was touching Dean’s own. Dean could feel his warm breath on his lips as Cas inhaled and exhaled in a slow sleep pattern. They had fallen asleep with their arms around each other and had not moved throughout the night. The weight of Cas’s arm on his hip made Dean feel as though he were home and that he didn’t need to go searching for where he belonged because it was in Cas’s arms.

Cas blinked awake with a yawn and Dean couldn’t help but compare him to a kitten. His blue eyes seemed to really glow in the morning light and Dean wondered if his own were doing something similar. But he knew he could never be as beautiful as Cas. Not really.

“It’s still raining,” Cas said and rolled out of bed, reaching for where he had flung his boxers across the floor. Dean would’ve preferred to stay swaddled in bed a while longer, but since Cas got up he did as well.

They were packed and checked out of the motel early, as Cas was thoroughly enjoying the weather and had wanted to stop back off at the river they had passed on the way up.

Dean was unnerved because Cas hadn’t mentioned anything about the previous night. The entire drive back to the river, Cas was cheery and talked without end about the weather and the scenery. But at no point did he seem even close to discussing what this trip meant for their relationship. Dean was almost surprised to find that he was the one so eager to talk about the important things. That had never been part of his personality – actually talking. Dean felt as though he had gotten so close to where he wanted to be, only to find in his way at a gate to which he didn’t know if he possessed a key.

They stopped at a gas station to get some muffins and soda that they would take with them down to the river. The rain let up as they neared it but the storm clouds still loomed overhead. The walk down wasn’t long and they didn’t go far. Cas seemed perfectly pleased with the situation.

“Just look at the river, Dean! It’s so full and beautiful after all this rain.”

“Yeah Cas.”

“And everything is so green….”

“Mmhm.”

Dean didn’t know what to say really. He had spent too long pretending that he didn’t want to be with Cas, so now he was certainly going to let the guy be happy with the simple things, even if it happened to be at the expense of what was on Dean’s mind.

Cas had just finished his muffin and was in the middle of describing how lovely the flowers were when Dean finally snapped. He couldn’t take feeling so lost and confused.

“What the hell are you on Cas?” Dean exploded.

Cas just looked at him and Dean could tell he knew exactly what he was doing.

“I don’t understand-“

“Like hell you don’t! I get it okay, it’s beautiful here. But what about us?”

 Cas was silent. Dean sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I’m sorry it’s just, I mean, you and me Cas – _we had sex_ ,” Dean’s voice faded as he suddenly grew afraid of Cas’s continuous silence. “That can’t just mean nothing to you.” More silence. “Can it?” Dean looked out at the river and willed himself not to cry. He wasn’t going to cry. What had he expected, that Cas would just go along with everything? They were both so different now. “It meant something to me okay?”

There was a pause before Cas said anything.

“I think that I just fucking love you Dean.” Dean hadn’t been expecting that. Cas’s voice was soft and quiet. And sad. Dean thought that if you were telling someone that you loved him, you shouldn’t sound so sad about it. “That’s the problem. I think I’ve been in love with you for a long time. And you know what? It hurts. It’s been hurting and I think that I can’t be with you because it might hurt me more.”

“What if I love you?” Dean didn’t recognize his voice. He sounded so small and weak.

Cas shook his head. “Don’t. Just don’t, okay? I can’t do this.”

“You don’t have to be afraid, Cas.”

“Really? Because I think I learned to do so from you.”

“I love you. _You,_ Cas.”

Cas stood up and wrapped his arms around his body.

“I want to go home. Take me home, Dean. This was a mistake.”

Dean felt the tear as it ran down his cheek. He wiped it off with the back of his hand and let go. He just let go. Dean stood up and smiled.

“Okay, Cas. Okay.” He’d tried and he’d lost. There was no point in crying about it. Cas was going to be Cas and Dean was going to let him go. Because he loved him. He wasn’t afraid to admit it anymore. “Let’s go home.”

Cas slept with his head against the window and his thin legs tucked up against his chest for the entire drive. Dean smiled. Dean smiled and he didn’t cry. He hummed songs and drummed his thumbs against the wheel and looked at the scenery.

Cas woke up just before Dean pulled up outside his house. Cas’s house was big. Too big for just him and his brothers. Cas had told Dean once that his parents had bought it back when they wanted to be a family. Cas had laughed. “What a joke,” he’d said. His mom was long gone, off to who knows where, and his dad was away on business. His brothers were pretentious assholes. His sister was the only one he liked and she was off at college. Dean felt sorry for him.

When Dean stopped the car and Cas reached for the door handle. Dean pulled out a CD. No, _the_ CD.

“Cas wait.”

He stopped in his motion, but he didn’t turn to face Dean.

Dean held out his arm, offering the CD to Cas who looked at it but didn’t pick it up.

“I made it. For us - or just you. I don’t know. Just take it okay?”

Cas took it.

And then he left. He hadn’t said anything.

No, Dean wasn’t going to cry.

 

x

 

“I – I don’t understand. What the fuck, Castiel?”

“Meg, I don’t think you’re hearing me.”

“Oh no, I hear you perfectly fine! But seriously – _what the fuck_?”

Castiel sighed and almost regretted saying anything. But after a week of her incessant questions, he had given in. He had told her about the little trip he had taken with Dean. He told her what they’d done and what they’d said.

“I like being on my own Meg.” She rolled her eyes and looked as if she was about to say more so Castiel continued. “I’m free! I’m not going to be let down by anyone or have my heart broken.”

“That’s boring.”

Castiel shook his head. “No. You just don’t get it. It’s great actually.”

“Cas, I do get it. I really do.” Meg’s voice was much softer now. “People love you. Can’t you see that? I love you. _He_ loves you. You have someone who wants to be with you and you’re just dismissing it.”

“Meg, I’m not-“

“How do you think it feels to have nobody love you?” Castiel stopped. He was frozen and just looked back at Meg. “You think that’s what you want. Well let me tell you, it fucking sucks.”

She looked down at her feet. Castiel moved forward and took her hand, holding it softly.

“ _I_ love you, Meg.”

She smiled.

“I know Cassy, but not like Dean loves you.” Meg paused. “And not like you love him.” She punched his shoulder.

“Ow!” Castiel knew it was supposed to be playful but it still hurt. They were both smiling. “I’m over it. I want to be over it. Okay?”

This time Meg nodded. “Sure.” She huffed loudly. “Ugh c’mon I can practically feel the emotions. Let’s go get ice cream and watch stupid people on tv.” Castiel laughed and followed Meg to her kitchen. She got out a half empty tub of vanilla ice cream and began to scoop it out into two bowls. He continued to repeatedly tell her that he loved her until she threatened to rip out his tongue if he kept talking. Castiel obliged.

“I have a gay friend and I don’t even get to gush over the cute things he does with his boyfriend because he refuses to have a boyfriend.” Castiel laughed and Meg looked him right in the eyes. “You’re disappointing me, Castiel Novak.” But she was smiling.

Castiel shrugged. “You never know what might happen, Meg.”

 

x

 

Some old friends of John and Mary were moving to town. A girl Dean’s age and her mother. Jo and Ellen. That was it. Mary claimed that Dean and Jo used to play together all the time when they were little, but if Dean was honest he didn’t remember anything of the sort. So Dean was given the task of helping Jo get used to the school. A hard enough job with only two months left, and even harder seeing as Dean considered himself the entirely wrong person to do it. He had no friends and didn’t apply himself to his schoolwork. He told all of this to his mother of course, but Mary just looked upset with him and willed him to try harder.

The good thing about Jo, as Dean found out, was that she was a lot like him. Perhaps this wasn’t good for her, but Dean certainly appreciated it. He wouldn’t admit it, but he needed a friend. She did too. A week after her arrival and Dean practically considered Jo his best friend.

“You don’t mind that I’m hanging out with you so much?” They were playing video games in Jo’s room.

“Are you serious? After all I’ve shown you, do you really think that I have anyone else I’d rather spend time with?” Dean scoffed and Jo smiled. “Look, I’m just That Guy Who Fucks Everything Up. I’m actually surprised that you want to be friends with me.”

Jo nudged his arm. “Well hey, I’m just The Freak With the Knife Collection.” They smiled at each other and Dean was happy.

“A good pair,” Dean said.

“A good pair,” Jo confirmed.

Dean was almost surprised to find that he finished junior year with a somewhat positive attitude. He wasn’t sad. He didn’t mope. He hung out with Jo and Sam and he laughed and talked and smiled. Sometimes he thought about Cas. Dean let himself. He wasn’t going to just lock Cas away deep within him because he knew now that it wouldn’t do any good. Dean let the boy become a part of him. Someone he loved and someone he couldn’t have. Dean just had to be okay with it. And so he was.

He decided to tell Jo about Cas. Someone had to know. Sam would be too argumentative and would suggest things that Dean could do to get him back. Dean didn’t want that. Jo would be more like him. Plus, she was a girl so she would have a unique perspective on the whole thing.

It was a few weeks into summer and the weather was sticky and uncomfortable. Dean and Jo were sitting under a tree at the park across the street from Jo’s house. They were eating popsicles. This had become an almost daily routine of theirs.

“He has blue eyes and dark hair.”

Jo looked at him quizzically.

“What?”

“Cas.”

“Who?”

“I’m trying to tell you about him, Jo.”

“This is really random but okay sure. Why? Who is he? Did he do something?”

“Hold it with the questions!”

“Sorry. Okay what’s his name?”

“Cas. Er well, Castiel.”

She actually laughed. “What kind of a name is that?”

“A fucking beautiful name!” Dean teased. Jo just laughed again and looked confused. “I think he was named after an angel or something,” Dean explained. “Family tradition.”

“A little narcissistic if you ask me, but I’m just gonna go with it. Why are you telling me about him?”

Dean didn’t respond right away. He didn’t have a good explanation. So he shrugged and said, “I think I just want somebody to talk to. Sam will just try to fix things and I don’t want that.”

Jo nodded slowly, trying to understand. “So blue eyes and dark hair.”

“Right. He’s perfect.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Dean said almost dreamily. “He’s smart too. I used to copy off of his homework.”

“Wait, Dean.” Jo looked completely lost. “Are you…?”

She didn’t have to say it.

“I think so.” Jo raised an eyebrow. “I mean, I could like girls too. It’s just that he’s the only person I’ve ever been in love with.”

Jo didn’t say anything. Okay so maybe Dean had suspected that Jo had a minor crush on him and maybe he wanted to divert her affections in a subtle way that didn’t end up hurting her. She was like a sister to him, that’s all. He didn’t really know why he felt that way. However, Dean wasn’t sure he would even want to date anyone at the moment who wasn’t Cas. He supposed this was probably irrational – a guy can only be turned down so many times before he gets the idea (and by now, Dean got Cas’s idea) – but it was summer and he didn’t see any potential boyfriends or girlfriends anyway, so Dean let himself be irrational and narrow-minded.

“Alright,” Jo finally said. “Did he love you back?”

Dean was surprised by the question and was immediately glad that he had decided to confide in Jo. He smiled at her. Sam would’ve asked if he really truly loved Cas, and if yes, then how it felt and what they should do to make Cas love him. And here was Jo, asking the most important question.

“At one point, yes.”

“What changed?”

Dean chuckled as a sudden rush of self-hatred flew through him. He tried not to think about what a dick he was freshman year. It made him feel mad and sad and disappointed all at the same time. It wasn’t his fault. But it was.

“Well,” Dean started, “I was a terrible person. A robot, really.”

“First of all, you’re not a terrible person Dean Winchester-“

“You didn’t know me in ninth grade,” Dean interjected.

Jo slapped his shoulder and Dean practically yelped.

“Don’t interrupt me!” Dean held up his hands in surrender. “And second – a robot? What is that supposed to mean?”

“I didn’t really express emotions. Ever. Like not real ones, y’know?” Jo nodded. “I chose not to fall in love, but Cas fell in love with me.”

“I see the problem.”

“That wasn’t it though,” Dean admitted. “No the real problem. I know it’s lame, but I think I’ve loved him since I met him. And because I decided not to love anyone, everything just got confused. I was with him, kind of, because I want to be with him. But then I fucked it all up because I didn’t want to be in love. See?”

“Yeah,” Jo said slowly. “That is incredibly confusing but yeah I think I get it now. It’s just – why didn’t you want to be in love?”

Dean shrugged. “I was afraid of getting hurt.”

“You’re ridiculous. Suck it up.”

“Well I have now!” Dean exclaimed defensively.

Jo shook her head and pulled her phone out of her back pocket.

“I hope you realize that I am now going to look him up on Facebook. I don’t even need you to tell me his last name, I’m sure there is only one ‘Castiel’ in existence.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed. He wasn’t referring to the name, but the person behind it.

 

x

 

Castiel usually spent his summers in solitude. He had always preferred reading a book to social interaction. Plus, he hadn’t ever really had enough friends for the latter to actually be an option. So he planned on having a generally quiet summer.

This would not turn out to be the case.

Castiel was actually reading when she texted him.

 

**_New Message From: Hannah  2:23pm_ **

_Tessa and I are going to a party tonight and you are coming. Clear your schedule._

**_New Message To: Hannah  2:24pm_ **

_I think I’ll have to decline._

**_New Message From: Hannah  2:24pm_ **

_CASTIEL NOVAK YOU ARE COMING WITH US. I know you aren’t doing anything else so you’re not allowed to decline._

**_New Message To: Hannah  2:25pm_ **

_I don’t like parties._

**_New Message From: Hannah  2:26pm_ **

_That’s only because you haven’t ever been to one since you had no friends._

**_New Message To: Hannah  2:26pm_ **

_Ouch._

**_New Message To: Hannah  2:26pm_ **

_I don’t know why I’m friends with you, you’re mean._

**_New Message From: Hannah  2:27pm_ **

_Okay okay I’m sorry. Just come with us please_

**_New message To: Hannah  2:27pm_ **

_No_

**_New Message From: Hannah  2:28pm_ **

_There will be cute guys there… I could totally hook you up._

**_New Message To: Hannah  2:28pm_ **

_Hannah, no._

**_New Message From: Hannah  2:29pm_ **

_I’m going to come by your house anyway so you might as well say yes._

**_New Message To: Hannah  2:35pm_ **

_I am saying this with the utmost reluctance - yes._

And so Castiel Novak attended a party. It was a college party and Castiel initially felt extremely uncomfortable. He had never been in a setting where so many people were together in one area. The few concerts he’d attended had been local bands at local coffee shops, nothing too overwhelming. College parties were worlds different.

Hannah and Tessa made conversation easy. This Castiel would be eternally grateful for, because although he prided himself on his ability to strike up an interesting conversation, he somehow found himself at a loss of words. Though, as the night progressed, he found them. Castiel would attribute this to the beer he had accepted relatively early on in the night. The justification behind this was, as Tessa put it, that he never let go and “C’mon Castiel, _just this once_.” So he’d had a beer. And then another. For a moment, Castiel wondered if Dean would be impressed.

His ninth grade self wouldn’t have believed it, and not only because he was hanging out with college kids, but because he did a lot of experimenting in addition to the beers. It turned out to be a long night. Castiel tried pot and found that he liked it a lot more than the beers. He wasn’t big on drinking himself stupid. Smoking pot, however, was another story.

“Castiel!” Hannah called, laughing. She had a joint in her hand and looked farther gone than Castiel was. Behind her was a guy who actually looked sober, and even seemed to be handling Hannah fairly well despite the fact that she kept stumbling into him. “Great party, huh?”

“Yeah,” Castiel said slowly and then started laughing as well. He wasn’t sure why, but it’s not like he was really trying to think that hard about it.

“This is Balthazar!” Hannah yelled over the music. The guy she was with waved. “He’s totally your type, I just know it!” So she was keeping her promise of trying to hook him up with someone. Castiel couldn’t find a good reason to decline.

“Balthazar.” Castiel slowly rolled the name off his tongue. “That’s a fuckin’ weird name.”

“And so is Castiel,” Balthazar countered. Castiel nodded and smiled. He had an accent. And blond hair that was blonder than Dean’s.

 _Stop thinking about Dean,_ Castiel commanded himself.

Balthazar walked over and sat down next to Castiel. He had been sitting on the grass in the backyard. It was cool and slightly damp and Castiel could feel the summer night’s breeze. He loved it and had spent the better part of the last twenty minutes finishing off his joint and running his fingers through the grass. It was more solitary outside. The only company he shared was a guy passed out with a beer bottle in hand and a couple making out in the corner of the relatively narrow yard. And now Balthazar.

“You can call me Balth, if you’d prefer. Most of my friends do,” he said. Castiel was entranced by his accent.

“I find that the shortened version of your name is still really weird.”

Balthazar laughed. “There’s just no pleasing you, is there?” Castiel shrugged. He looked up to find that Hannah was gone. He hadn’t even seen Tessa since the beginning of the party. “You have really nice eyes.”

“I do?” Castiel questioned, narrowing his eyes. Balthazar nodded.

“Beautiful,” he said as a confirmation. Castiel pursed his lips and tried to think about that.

“My eyes are in my head and I can’t see them so I guess I never noticed.”

This evoked another laugh from Balthazar, who seemed all too amused with the way Castiel talked when he was slightly drunk and slightly high.

“Ever heard of a mirror?” he teased.

“Yes of course,” Castiel responded. “A mirror is a reflective surface that-“ He was interrupted when Balthazar placed a finger to his lips.

“The point,” he started as he began to slowly move closer to Castiel. Balthazar placed a hand on his leg. Castiel didn’t move it away. He could only stare into the older boy’s face as he continued to get closer. “Is that you have amazing eyes.” Balthazar paused an inch away from Castiel’s face. He found it hard to breathe. “Get it?” Castiel nodded rapidly before the other boy closed the distance and pressed their lips together.

Castiel didn’t know how many times they’d made out that night, but as time wore on nearly everybody at the party was hooking up with each other. He wondered if this was a common occurrence at all parties or if this group was unique in its behavior. At one point, Balthazar had pulled him into the closest bathroom and had given him a handjob as they continued to make out. Castiel returned the favor. It had felt good to be with someone.

He woke up with a headache and a less than detailed recollection of the events of the party. There was a horrible taste in his mouth. Castiel contemplated throwing up, but he decided that would only make things worse. So he sat up and surveyed his surroundings. There was a couch to his right and he noted that Hannah was sleeping on it. She was sprawled across some guy who Castiel didn’t know. To his left lay Balthazar.

They weren’t touching.

With the realization Castiel felt a sudden and intense longing for the rain. For the early morning in the motel room with Dean in a small town many miles away that he didn’t even know the name of. For Dean’s arms around him and for the feel the curves of Dean’s body beneath his own arms. For Dean’s legs all tangled up with Castiel’s own. For Dean’s warm breath on his lips. For that morning. For Dean.

Castiel felt as though he was about to cry and stood up.

 _Stop it,_ he reprimanded himself. _Stop. Thinking. About. Dean._

Balthazar rolled over and rubbed at his eyes. He looked up at Castiel and smiled. A few other people were up, either collecting their belongings or raiding the kitchen for something to eat.

“Where are you going Blue Eyes?” Balthazar questioned smoothly.

Castiel felt like he was going to explode.

“Home,” he stated.

Balthazar stood up and Castiel felt suddenly twitchy.

 _It’s all Dean’s fault_ , he thought. _I can’t even have any kind of a relationship now._

“Do you want a ride?” he offered.

“You have a car?” Castiel didn’t really know why he’d asked.

Balthazar chuckled. “Yes I have a car. Now do you want a ride?”

Castiel looked down at Hannah. She had been his ride last night and now he wasn’t sure when she’d wake up or even if he trusted her driving capabilities when she did. His house wasn’t in acceptable walking distance. He didn’t know the bus schedule. Castiel didn’t really want to, but he accepted a ride from Balthazar.

The conversation was awkward on Castiel’s end, but Balthazar managed to keep it up effortlessly. Castiel would be impressed if only he didn’t feel as though he needed to cry or break something.

When they reached his house, Castiel felt like bolting straight through the door and upstairs where he could sink into his bed and cease to exist. Balthazar stopped him.

“What’s your number?” he’d prompted. Castiel told him. Another decision he didn’t fully understand. But it had allowed him to exit the car relatively quickly.

Balthazar had promised to text him soon. Castiel wasn’t sure what to think of that.

He headed straight for his room upon entering the house. His brothers weren’t even home. Castiel rummaged through the junk drawer in his desk until he found the object he wanted - an envelope that contained a CD. He pulled it out and looked at it. In sharpie, Dean had written _For Cas_ on it. That was all. Castiel always gave his playlists names that tended to be short phrases that dealt with what the particular group of songs made him think or feel. Dean hadn’t given this one a name. Castiel decided that he would name it.

He hadn’t listened to it yet.

After all this time had passed, and he hadn’t listened to it. It was just music, but Castiel had been afraid of what it would say about Dean and what it would make him feel. But maybe Dean didn’t put any message behind it. Maybe he just found songs that he thought Castiel would like and decided to make a CD out of it. There were a lot of maybes.

In a quick motion, Castiel inserted it into his CD player and pressed play. He lay down on his bed and looked up at his ceiling, still scattered with constellations made of plastic glow in the dark stars, as the first song began to play. It was short and instrumental. The ones that followed were longer. It was beautiful, all of it. And Dean did it. For him, because this certainly wasn’t Dean’s style.

They took him back to the rainy season if he closed his eyes. Each was a little fragment of it. He was in the passenger seat of the Impala and Dean was smiling at him. They were dancing in the rain, laughing and not caring that they were getting completely soaked. He was running his hands up Dean’s bare chest as Dean traced words into his back.

Castiel didn’t open his eyes for the length that the CD played. When it finished, he put it in again, not wanting to let go of the feelings it gave him. He wanted to hold onto that. To these fragments of the rainy season that Dean had given him.

Maybe that’s what he would call the playlist.

Castiel smiled.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, this is it! Thanks to everyone who stuck with this fic, it means a lot.
> 
> Sorry for all the angst in this chapter whoops.

“Do you know a ‘Balth?’ Or Balthazar?”

Dean pulled a Coke out of the refrigerator and shut the door, turning to look at Jo on the couch. When they weren’t sitting at the park they were on the couch in Dean’s living room. Most often they were alone, as Mary had work and Sam actually had a social life.

“Okay what the fuck is a Balth?”

Jo squinted at her laptop that rested in its natural habitat on her lap. “I’m taking that as a ‘no.’” She clicked something. “Apparently, _he_ is an attractive and outgoing college student with an alluring accent.” She wiggled her eyebrows at Dean who sat down on the opposite corner of the couch, pulling his legs up and turning to face his friend.

He scoffed. “And why are you internet stalking him?”

“Actually I was internet stalking Cas, as you so kindly put it.”

Dean tensed. He was glad that he’d told Jo about Cas, but he didn’t appreciate the fascination she had developed with the boy’s Facebook profile. Dean wasn’t sure what she was looking for.

“Would you stop that?” Dean begged, reaching an arm out to shut the laptop.

“No!” Jo squealed and quickly raised the thing over her head and out of Dean’s reach. “Like I wouldn’t have an interest in the ‘only person you’ve ever been in love with.’” Dean just sighed. “He’s fuckin adorable, I’ll give you that.”

“He’s not interested okay? I’m trying to get on with my life, Jo.”

“Yeah well Castiel here seems to be doing an excellent job of that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean suddenly felt defensive. Jo looked up as if she hadn’t realized that she’d spoken aloud.

“I’m sorry Dean.” Jo truly did look for what she said. Dean waved it off and gave her a look that begged ‘ _Just tell me.’_ “I think he and that Balth guy are together.”

Dean felt frozen in place. He had expected that Cas would find someone else at some point or another, but he still felt wildly unprepared for the news. “Oh,” was all he said.

“Castiel doesn’t post much,” Jo continued, “but he keeps getting tagged in stuff with Balthazar. It looks like they hang out all the time…” She trailed off as she continued to scroll down the page. Dean realized too late that he didn’t want to hear any of it. He preferred not knowing. That way he could safely pretend that Cas still felt something for him. It was a true punch to stomach to know, to _really_ know, that Cas didn’t want him. However, Dean didn’t feel sorry for loving him. Perhaps he was just fated for bad luck. Nothing in his life ever truly went right when he thought about it.

Out of the corner of his eye Dean saw Jo watching him.

“What are you thinking?” Her worried tone matched her expression.

Dean laughed and felt a rush of relief. “I was right about love,” he said. “It hurts. But I think the good parts are worth the bad.”

Jo exhaled and looked visibly more relaxed. “I was afraid you were going to get all mopey and sad.”

“It’s still early,” Dean teased and they both laughed. He looked down at the hands. _No_ , he thought to himself, _I’m not one of those lucky enough to be loved._ “Hey do you wanna go get a burger?” he asked Jo. Dean was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to get out of the house.

“Sure,” she replied. Dean shot up and got the keys to the Impala. Jo followed him, the look of worry now gone. Dean wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed.

Maybe a burger could help to soften swell of heartbreak.

It was a futile effort, but it was something.

 

x

 

“I think you’re being self-destructive.”

“Do explain.” Meg looked at him like he hadn’t heard her correctly. Castiel was tired and he didn’t need Meg barging into his house at 7:00 in the morning to give him a talk about his life. “Raising your eyebrows at me does nothing to explain what you are trying to say. Try using words.”

“Don’t get snarky with me, Castiel!”

“It’s too early for this!” Castiel exclaimed. He rubbed at his eyes and slowly sat up on his bed, nursing an oncoming headache. “Please just tell me what you want.”

Meg sighed and her anger dropped with her shoulders. “I’m your best friend and I’m trying to help you.”

“No. Hannah’s my best friend.” Castiel was aware that he was being mean. The truth was that he didn’t want to hear what Meg had to say because there was a likely chance that it was true. Castiel didn’t feel in the mood for a correction in his behavior of recent.

Meg didn’t even look fazed. “I know what you’re doing, asshole. So stop pretending.” She moved her hand up and brushed Castiel’s hair out of his face. “You look like shit.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Thank you, ‘best friend,’ you really know how to give a pep talk.” Meg punched him in the shoulder like she did nearly every time they hung out. As always, it hurt more than it should.

“What’s with the attitude?” Castiel pointed to the clock. Meg shrugged. “Look Cassy, I’m worried about you. That’s all.”

Castiel looked at her incredulously. “I can’t see why. Meg, I’m finally _free_. I’m having fun like everyone says I should.”

“Okay first of all? You are far from free, Castiel Novak.” Something in Castiel’s heart hurt. “You’re filling a void.” Castiel didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to hear any more of what Meg thought she knew. But she continued. “Smoking weed? Doing who knows what with Balthazar? You’re still compensating for when Dean Winchester rejected you in ninth grade! I don’t understand. Help me to understand Cas, because the thing is – he came back for you.”

“Don’t call me ‘Cas,’” he interjected.

It was like Meg hadn’t heard him.

“He tried, and I know because I talked to him about it. And here you are, doing what you’re doing and _I don’t understand_.”

It was everything Castiel knew she was going to say. He wished she hadn’t. Castiel didn’t want to explain himself. Meg looked down at where his CD player was sitting inches away from her feet. The lid was popped open, displaying the CD with Dean’s handwriting. _For Cas_. On the bottom Castiel had written _Fragments of the Rainy Season_.

Meg looked at him with an expression full of pity and sympathy. Castiel hated her for it.

“Get out,” he commanded.

“What?”

“Get out of my house, Meg.”

“Okay, Cas? We are so not done here.”

“Don’t call me ‘Cas!’” Castiel’s voice broke and he saw Meg’s eyes go soft with concern. He hated her more. “Just. Get. Out.”

Meg didn’t say anything else. She stood up and walked out. She didn’t pause or look back. When the door shut Castiel collapsed on his bed. He didn’t bother pulling the blankets around him or burying his face in a pillow. He just cried. Castiel still hated crying. The tears were wet and warm down his cheeks and he felt ridiculous and uncomfortable.

His brothers weren’t home. They were gone a lot more these days. Castiel never bothered to ask why. He knew that Meg had let herself in with the spare key she had somehow managed to find. It wasn’t that clever of a hiding place - under the potted plant that sat to the right of the front door. Under the doormat was just too typical.

Castiel was alone and he wanted to stop crying. So he screamed. He screamed and screamed and screamed until the tears stopped. Then everything was just quiet. His room was too quiet and the house was too quiet. Castiel practically leapt out of bed. He needed to get out. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number as he got dressed.

He answered after two rings.

_“Ah, Castiel. To what do I owe the pleasure?”_

“Balthazar.” Castiel’s voice still sounded small and broken. He hated it. “I need to see you.”

 _“Oh do you?”_ Castiel could hear him chuckle on the other end. He hated that too. _“ Alright then. I’m at my place. Alone, as I assume you wanted me. You know where it is by now, right?”_ Just by the way he talked Castiel could tell that he had on a smug grin.

“Yes.”

_“Good. I’ll be expecting you then.”_

Castiel hung up and shoved his phone into his back pocket along with his house key and some money for the bus fare. He didn’t bother leaving a note for his brothers if and when they got back. Chances were Castiel would be alone for a few more days or even weeks and they didn’t care enough about where he went and what he did anyway.

So he walked out the door and made his way to the nearest bus stop, hoping he wouldn’t have to wait too long before it showed up.

 

x

 

Dean was sitting on his living room couch eating pancakes with Jo. Mary was rather enthusiastic about using this new mix that supposedly had all the secrets to the fluffiest pancakes. Dean had to admit that they were pretty good. She had insisted that Jo come over. She accepted, of course. Dean and Jo spent most of their time together anyway. They liked each other well enough, but they also were constantly incapable of finding something better to do.

So he was sitting on his couch, talking and eating pancakes with Jo, when suddenly a fervent rapping on his front door sounded. Mary was in the shower and Sam was at a friend’s. Dean sighed, fully aware that he was on door duty and not feeling in the mood to get up. But he did.

He opened the door slowly, but she pushed it open and shoved past Dean and into his house almost violently.

“Meg? What the fuck?” He closed the door without taking his eyes off of Meg Masters. Dean hadn’t seen her since school got out and he hadn’t spoken with her since a few months before that. He couldn’t think of any good reason why she was here.

Meg looked shaken, which was something completely new for her. Dean had known her long enough to notice that she always seemed to keet it together. She didn’t answer Dean, instead pacing back and forth a bit until she finally turned and sat down on the couch next to Jo. The latter looked up at Dean expectantly, but he had no answer to give her and opted for a shrug. He walked over to the couch, pushing his plate that held a half-eaten pancake over so that he could sit on the edge of the coffee table.

“Meg,” Dean tried again, calmer this time. “What’s up?”

She looked up at him and Dean was shocked to see that she looked as though she were about to cry. “You need to do something about your boyfriend, Winchester.”

“Wha-“ Dean tried but Meg wasn’t done.

“I don’t know what he thinks he’s doing, but he’s not okay.”

“Are you talking about Castiel?” That was Jo. Dean and Meg both turned towards her.

“Who are you?” Meg asked coldly.

“Jo Harvelle. Dean’s friend. And you?”

“Meg. Dean’s friend for longer.”

“Okay stop it,” Dean interrupted. He turned his attention towards Meg again. “What’s going on with Cas?”

She sighed and shook her head. “I don’t know. His friends are all bitches. They took him to this college party and since then he’s been hanging out with sketchy people and smoking weed - a lot of that is due to this guy he hangs out with.”

“Balthazar, right?” Jo said.

“Yeah. How do you-“

“I told her about Cas and she looks him up on Facebook,” Dean supplied.

Meg paused, if only for a moment. “Alright I’m going to ignore that, but yes. He’s probably taking advantage of Cas, or Cas is taking advantage of him. I don’t know. Maybe both. Anyway, it’s unhealthy – and that’s coming from me.” She looked at him and Dean felt lost. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. “I think it’s because he doesn’t know what to do about you, Dean.”

Now Dean laughed. It was hollow and sad. “No, look. Cas didn’t want me. I tried and he left me. His choice. Okay? His goddamn free will. I’m staying out of his life, just like he wanted. He can do whatever the fuck he wants.”

Meg didn’t look mad. It was as though she knew him, and Dean felt uncomfortable. “You don’t mean that,” she said.

“Try me.”

“He’s afraid.”

“I don’t see why.”

“You rejected him before.”

“And I tried to make up for that.”

“But you still did it.”

“Like I don’t think about that every night!” Dean finally let go and let his head fall into his hands. Jo got up and sat next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Dean tried to take deep breaths and fought back the tears that threatened to fall. He thought of Cas as Meg had described him. He blamed himself for all of it.

As if on queue, Meg whispered, “His behavior now – it’s not your fault. That’s on him. I can’t help him. You can.”

Dean raised his head and looked back at her. “I love him. I don’t know what to do.”

Meg softened. “I think he listens to that CD you made all the time. I was just at his house and it was in the CD player. He even named it.”

“Really?” Dean said and Meg nodded. “He never said – wait, you were at his house? This morning?”

Meg groaned. “Yeah and that’s why I made the decision to come to you. I tried to talk to him but he kicked me out.”

“Jesus Christ, Cas.” He got up and started pacing.

Finally, Jo piped up. “What the hell are we waiting for?” Dean looked at her quizzically and noticed that Meg was doing the same. Jo rolled her eyes and made some grand gestures as if expressing her irritation with their stupidity. “Let’s go find him.” Jo stood up and made her way to the front door, grabbing Dean’s keys off the kitchen counter as she did so. “We’re leaving, Mrs. Winchester! See you later!” Jo called out. Dean heard a muffled “Okay!” from the upstairs bathroom.

Dean and Meg exchanged glances and followed after Jo. She tossed the keys to Dean after he closed the door.

“Do you think he’s still at home, Meg?” Dean asked as they all climbed into the Impala. Jo jumped into the front seat and Meg didn’t put up a fight about it.

“I don’t know, probably? It was early, he was tired, I may have turned him into an emotional wreck, and his brothers weren’t home. How far could he have gotten?”

“There’s always the great ol’ public transportation system,” suggested Jo.

“Well let’s just start off at his house and see if anyone’s home. We can move on from there.” The girls agreed, but Dean wasn’t seeking their approval. He started the car and took off, driving the familiar route to Cas’s house, though he hadn’t actually been inside for a while.

The entire drive was dead silent. It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable. Dean assumed nobody really knew what to talk about. Jo didn’t know Cas at all, Meg was too worried about him to say anything, and Dean…. Dean just wanted Cas to know that he cared. That he’d always care. Whether they were together or not, friends or not, Dean Winchester would always care about Castiel Novak.

 

x

 

He wasn’t at home. Meg had searched the entire house despite the lack of an immediate answer upon their arrival. She should’ve known as much. Castiel was never one to be comfortable being alone with his emotions. Especially not now, in the midst of whatever emotional hurricane she had left him in. She should’ve stayed.

Meg felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to find Jo looking at her. It was unfair of Meg to dislike her upon first meeting her, but that was really only because she didn’t want Dean to be distracted or for Jo to hold them back. Turns out, she actually wanted to help. So Meg decided to like her.

“Do you have any idea where he might’ve gone?” Jo asked.

Meg didn’t know, so she decided to just talk out loud. “He probably felt forced into thinking about his feelings and shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if he went walking. Maybe into town where it’s loud and he could try to forget…”

“No,” Dean commented. “Too public.” Meg and Jo looked at him for more explanation. “Cas wouldn’t want everyone else to see how he’s feeling. C’mon Meg,” he said and focused on her. “He’s too private even for us, he’s not going to go walking in the middle of town where people can see him in such an exposed state.”

“Okay right,” Meg agreed, trying to think again. Then it hit her. He was thinking about Dean. He would’ve wanted to stop thinking about Dean. Meg realized that her face must have changed because both Dean and Jo were staring at her intently. She looked at Dean. “You’re not going to like it, but I think I know where he went.”

“I don’t care,” Dean sighed. “Just tell me so that we can find him and talk some sense into him.”

“You’re right. He would’ve gone to Balthazar.” She paused. Dean didn’t look hurt anymore. Just sad. Meg guessed that he missed Castiel, really truly missed him. “To try to forget you.” Meg didn’t really know why she’d said that to Dean. He didn’t seem too surprised. “He’s never going to be successful, you know.” She wasn’t lying either.

Dean took a deep breath. “Let’s go. Do you know where Balthazar lives?”

Meg nodded. “Yeah I went with Castiel once. A party. I left early.”

To her surprise, Dean placed the keys in her hand with a gruff, “You drive.” Meg accepted and Dean and Jo followed her out of the house. They climbed into the car in silence and Meg felt oddly uncomfortable as she started the Impala. Pulling away from Castiel’s house, Meg turned on the music and felt at least some of the tension slip away as one of Dean’s albums roared throughout the car.

The drive to Balthazar’s was ten minutes at most. When Meg parked outside, nobody moved. The three of them stared up at the house like it would just tell them if Castiel was inside or not. Meg could’ve been wrong of course, but something told her she wasn’t.

“Well,” she started at the same moment that Dean suddenly pushed out of the car. She followed after him without a word and Jo behind her, all three of them walking swiftly to the door. Dean paused with his hand raised to knock. His face was pensive and his hand just hung in the air. Meg wasn’t sure how much longer she could wait, so she leaned across Dean and knocked. No response. Then she tried the doorknob. It opened.

“Hm,” she commented. “Guess we should just let ourselves in.”

 

x

 

Being with Balthazar was all heat and craving. There never needed to be any connection or emotional sympathy, and Castiel was grateful for that. Balthazar didn’t expect anything from him and he was more than willing to fill Castiel’s needs for a physical closeness. Yeah they hung out sometimes, but Castiel only used him as a distraction while Balthazar was in it for the sex or blow job or make out session that would follow. It was some sort of unspoken agreement and both parties were content.

“Castiel you really should have come here earlier,” Balthazar breathed against his neck as Castiel bit into his shoulder and rutted their hips together. The older boy laughed and Castiel only ground into him harder. “You look terrible, somehow still attractive, mind you, but terrible nonetheless. I won’t talk about it, but you need to stop hanging onto my shoulder so that I can pull your shirt off.” Castiel pushed back, kissing him hard and needy while Balthazar moved to grab the bottom of his old gray t-shirt. He broke apart only so that the other boy could lift the shirt up and over his head.

They were all hands and mouths again, both now displaying bare chests. Castiel began to reach down between Balthazar’s legs when a loud noise sounded from downstairs. He pretended not to notice, but Balthazar had flinched away. When Castiel tried to move forward again, the older boy reached an arm out to stop him. Castiel made a noise of disapproval that sounded somewhere between a grunt and a whine, but Balthazar continued to look toward his open bedroom door.

“That sounded like someone was knocking on the door,” Balthazar commented.

“Just ignore it,” Castiel pleaded.

Balthazar looked at him with that twisted grin of his. “That needy?” Castiel would probably punch him if he weren’t so desperate for a distraction from his actual emotions.

Balthazar looked as if he was about to proceed with what they were just doing when a second whining noise rung out, like an old squeaky door being opened. And that was obviously what it was.

“Hey asshole! We know you’re here – your car’s parked out front!” That was Dean. Castiel didn’t think he would be able to move if he wanted to.

“Balthazar!” Now that was Meg. “Where’s Castiel?”

Castiel turned to his companion to see that he was hurriedly shoving his shirt back on. Castiel didn’t bother; he could already hear footsteps climbing up the stairs. Meg walked in first, with Dean not too far behind her. Another girl who Castiel didn’t recognize was lingering at the top of the stairs. Meg didn’t look surprised. In fact, she appeared almost relieved.

“Good then,” she said and marched over to the bed, taking hold of Castiel’s arm. He decided not to fight her. “We’re going home,” she announced. Castiel couldn’t tell whom it was supposed to be directed at. Balthazar fidgeted uncomfortably, but didn’t make any action as Meg dragged him away.

“I’ll call ya later,” he called out as they hit the stairs.

Dean piped up again. “No you won’t.” Castiel didn’t need to turn and look to know that Dean must look his most threatening. He didn’t know whether or not it would actually work on Balthazar. He hadn’t really taken it upon himself to get to know the other boy that well.

When they walked out, Meg slapped Castiel rather harshly on his shoulder. It hurt a considerable amount, especially considering that he still wasn’t wearing a shirt. He flinched and uttered an “Ow!” as usual before looking over to the unknown blonde girl to see that she was holding his gray t-shirt. When she saw him looking at it, she held out her arm and offered it back to him.

Meg was close to tears as they stood out on the sidewalk while Castiel dressed himself. “You fucker!” she scolded. “I was fucking worried about you! Next time you have shit you need to deal with, talk to me!” When he didn’t say anything she hit him again, this time softer. “Okay?” Meg demanded.

“Alright, Meg.” Castiel felt worn out and it was only about 8:00 in the morning. The sky was overcast and it was unusually cool out for the season. Castiel wished that it would just rain. Meg rushed forward and hugged him. Castiel hugged her back, tighter than he thought he would. They stayed like that for a few moments before Meg pulled back. She kept her hands on his shoulders though. Castiel smiled weakly at her and she smiled back. Then he remembered who else was with them. He wouldn’t meet Dean’s eyes. “Let’s just go,” he said with a sigh.

The four of them climbed into the Impala, with Castiel and Meg sitting in the back. Castiel knew that Dean kept turning around to look at him and he was thankful that the other boy hadn’t said anything yet. Nobody was saying anything. It was an uncomfortable silence and Castiel felt all the more awkward. They had just walked in on him about to screw a college student after all.

“Could we listen to some music perhaps?” Castiel requested. It was like the entire car let out a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Dean mumbled and switched the radio on. Castiel smiled with the familiarity of the classic rock station that Dean always listened to. “This okay?” Dean asked.

“Perfect,” Castiel confirmed and leaned back in his seat.

“So,” Dean continued. “Where’d you two meet?”

Castiel was taken aback but decided to at least be truthful. His relationship with Dean, whatever it was, couldn’t possibly be made worse than it already was. “A party.”

Dean nodded. “Are you…” he hesitated and Castiel anticipated the question before Dean finished the sentence, “together?”

“God no,” Castiel answered. He watched as Dean smiled for a moment before attempting to conceal it. “Balth is a terribly irritating person really. I just liked that he was a good distraction.”

“From what?” That was the blonde girl in the passenger seat. She had turned to look at Castiel and continued to do so as he paused before answering. “Oh sorry! I’m Jo, Dean’s friend,” she explained. Castiel nodded his understanding. For a brief second he felt a pang of jealousy. Jo was pretty and seemed cool and was close to Dean. _It doesn’t matter_ , he corrected himself.

Castiel tried to think of a good response to her question. “Past relationships,” he settled on. It wasn’t very subtle and everyone in the car knew it.

Castiel was almost relieved to see his house when they pulled up outside of it. Meg climbed out of the car as he did and Castiel didn’t protest. He figured she’d want to stay with him, and he found that he was actually craving her company. He was no longer as worked up as he had been that morning. Meg would listen and he would talk to her.

She started walking up to the front door, but Castiel wove around to the driver’s side first. Dean rolled down the window and Castiel bent down to look at him. He shrugged. “Thanks.”

Dean shook his head. “For what? It was Meg who organized the search party and knew where you-“

“Just thanks, Dean.” Dean smiled but he still looked confused. Castiel sighed. “For still caring. You didn’t have to. Not after I left you.”

“Always, Cas.” By the way he said it, Castiel wondered if Dean had ever said truer words. Castiel just nodded and followed Meg into his house. He closed the door as the car pulled away. Maybe things would be okay with Dean Winchester after all.

 

x

 

Meg was waiting in Castiel’s room. He looked tired as he walked in, sitting down on his bed next to her without a word.

“So,” Meg prompted.

“So,” Castiel repeated. “Why did you enlist the help of Dean and his pretty friend to go on a great rescue mission to save me from fucking Balthazar?”

Meg rolled her eyes. “I think it’s about time you cut the bullshit, Castiel Novak. Don’t you?” Castiel sighed, but Meg knew what it meant. “Good. Now, how about we talk about your feelings without you getting defensive and telling me to leave, hm? That was a very Dean Winchester move by the way. I’m truly surprised that he seems to be the one who’s in touch with his feelings and you’re the one banging other guys to forget about him.”

“Ouch, Meg. You’re not being very comforting, you know. I’m in a fragile state.”

Meg frowned, but Castiel was smiling slightly. “I’m not good at this, but let’s try anyway. And I think you’re tougher than you like to give yourself credit for.”

“Thanks.”

“Okay,” Meg tried again, finding that she didn’t actually know what she wanted to say now that Castiel was giving her the opportunity to. “Um, how are you feeling?”

They both laughed. “Confused, mostly,” he finally responded. “I feel so much for Dean, and that scares me.”

“Why?”

“What if he doesn’t feel the same? Or if, over time, neither of us do? What will it do to me?”

Meg paused a moment before answering. “Cassy, you need to let go.”

“What?”

“Okay first of all, stop worrying if Dean doesn’t love you or whatever. He’s crazy about you. I think he beats himself up on a daily basis for not coming to terms with how he felt earlier.” Castiel winced but Meg trudged on. “Second, so-fucking-what if you fall out of love? Everyone does it. And when it’s over, you feel shitty for a while, and then you’re free to find someone new. It might hurt, yeah, but you get over it. And then at least you can say that you tried, right?”

Castiel was looking down, probably thinking over what she had just said. Meg was praising herself on her completely improvised speech.

“I suppose you might be correct,” he said dryly, but Meg knew that he was agreeing with her. He turned to look at her and his eyes were warm. “Thank you.”

Meg pulled him into another hug that he returned. She could get used to that.

“Are you going to stop moping all the time?”

“I plan to.”

“Are you going to talk to Dean?”

“Yes, but at the right time.”

“Okay.”

“Are you happy with yourself now, Meg?”

She smiled. “Oh, absolutely.”

 

x

 

Summer rains were different than April rains. April rains were anticipated and fit right into the typical weather. Summer rains were always a pleasant surprise, a break from the nearly inescapable heat. Though, it was all just rain when it came down to it. And Castiel Novak loved rain. He didn’t prefer the summer rains over the April rains and vice versa. He just loved rain. And he loved Dean Winchester.

It had been about two weeks since Meg, Dean, and Jo came to get him from Balthazar’s. This meant it had been about two weeks of Castiel feeling at peace with everything for once. He hadn’t talked to Dean. Not yet. Not like he meant to.

Dean had stopped by Castiel’s house on his birthday just five days ago. Castiel (alone again, not at all surprising even on his birthday) had welcomed the boy inside with smiles and easy conversation. Dean had brought a cake that he and Mary had baked (“It was mostly my mom, but I tried to help,” Dean had explained) and a small wrapped gift. Castiel had opened it as Dean watched on nervously. It was a framed picture, a photo that Dean had taken on that rainy day all those months ago. They were lying in the field, hair wet and blushing. Dean was looking at Castiel, but he had his eyes closed. That would be why Castiel didn’t remember when Dean took the picture. He told Dean that he loved it, and he did. They ate cake and talked. Then Dean left. It was nice. Relaxing.

Castiel’s father sent some money. He was surprised, as he hadn’t seen his father in many years. It was quite a lot of money though, and Castiel rode the bus down to the used car lot and bought a small, weathered looking car before depositing the rest in his bank account. It was functional despite its appearance, and Castiel was ever so grateful for it, and his father, when the summer rains came. They surprised him as they always did, and after having two weeks of feeling all right, Castiel decided to drive.

It wasn’t like that time in April. It was already raining in his town. Castiel drove anyway. He had never felt freer as he drove north through the rain. He had gotten his license a year ago, but just hadn’t actually had a car to make use of it.

The land was still beautiful, though it was less green than it had been in April. Perhaps these rains would work to change that. They didn’t ease up as he drove, and Castiel continued to get happier as drove further. The sound of the rain on the roof of his car made him feel almost giddy. He had Dean’s CD in the car’s stereo. Of course he did. It would never be more fitting than when it was raining and when he was on this road.

They had stayed on the same road most of the way back in April. It wasn’t hard for Castiel to find the field. He pulled over and got out, laughing as the rain began its work of soaking his hair. Then he ran. He took off into the field with the rain all around him and he was _happy_. The grass was untrimmed and went up to his ankles and it felt nice and refreshing where it would normally feel itchy. The mountains, now somewhat nearby, dark and looming to the average eye seemed warm and comforting to him as he ran and let the rain soak him.

Castiel ran and danced. He laughed and he sang. It was raining and he wasn’t sad or confused. He was in his favorite place in the world. Castiel had decided that as he drove. This field by those mountains was his favorite place. It held his favorite memory, after all.

He lay down in the wet grass and closed his eyes in mimic of how he was in the picture Dean gave him. Castiel just lay there and felt the rain on his face and thought about the rainy season and Dean. He would talk to Dean when he went home. He’d tell him how he felt. Like how he wanted to be around him all the time. Though at the moment Castiel wondered if he would ever leave this field.

He didn’t think it felt complete without Dean. But it was raining and he was happy and that was good enough.

 

x

 

Dean had woken up to the sound of rain. The first thing he thought of was Cas.

He had come up with a plan about a week ago and had been fervently checking the weather reports since. These rains had come a day earlier than expected and Dean had inwardly cursed whatever idiot currently held the position of weatherman. It wouldn’t be quite as grand now, but that was fine.

However, when Dean had showed up at Cas’s house he found it uninhabited. This was an even greater disappointment, as Cas needed to be present for the plan to actually go into effect. He tried calling Meg but she knew nothing. He decided to give up on the plan, at least for that day. He’d try again tomorrow if the rain stayed.

Dean was going to show up at Cas’s house early to wake him up and present the beginning of the summer rains. He had the car packed with towels and snack food and they were going to drive up north on the same road as they had in April. They were going to go to the field and maybe stop by the motel for sentimentality’s sake. They were going to dance in the rain. Dean was going to make things right and they were going to be together.

So now Dean was driving alone. He decided to make the trip alone even though Cas wasn’t with him. He couldn’t pass up the opportunity to relive his favorite memories.

It hadn’t stopped raining the entire time Dean was driving and he liked it. He was enjoying himself, poorly singing along to ACDC and watching as the mountains grew ever closer. It was so perfect and he started pretending that Castiel was with him.

“Hey Cas,” he said to the empty passenger seat, “remember that old house?” He pointed out the window to a clearly abandoned and rather large house as he drove past it. “You were watching it with such interest last time and I thought that maybe you wanted to go inside or something. Spooky, but cool I guess. We’ll have to do it sometime, okay? I’ll go with you, I promise.” There was no reply from the empty seat. “Yeah. It’ll be nice. Pretty soon, we’ll start doing all sorts of things together again Cas. I know it.” He was silent after that.

Dean started to get nervous as he recognized the scenery as that that was near the field. It felt wrong to be there without Cas. Dean didn’t really know what he was doing. He almost turned back.

He felt immediately felt better when he saw it though. The field was larger than he had remembered, which was good because he saw a small figure lying down in it and he didn’t want to have to deal with other people. There was an old car parked alongside the road, probably belonging to the person in the field, and Dean parked a few feet behind it. The person still hadn’t moved when Dean got out of the car. The distance and the blurring rain made it nearly impossible for Dean to make out any characteristics on him or her, but then again he wasn’t really trying. He took off in the opposite direction from where they were lying, putting more distance between them.

He felt more comfortable when he lay down in the grass. Now he couldn’t see anything save himself, the tall grass, and the mountains. Dean smiled and turned to his side where Cas had been lying all those months ago.

“I’m glad we came back, Cas.” He was completely soaked by this point, but Dean didn’t care. He had towels in the trunk of his car. “I’m really glad.” His hand was held out at his side. Dean felt a ghost warmth of Cas’s palm pressed into his, fingers intertwined. He couldn’t stop smiling.

 

x

 

Castiel must have been sitting in the field for at least an hour when he decided to get up and leave. About ten minutes ago, someone else had joined him. He had heard the slam of a car door closing. Thankfully, they hadn’t come anywhere near him.

He stood up, clothes and hair dripping and pants muddy, and walked slowly back to his car. The Impala was parked mere feet behind him, but Castiel didn’t notice. He was staring at the sky, enjoying the warm rain droplets as they fell on his face. He unlocked his car and lined the seat with the towels he’d brought. Then he climbed in and stripped off his wet jeans and long-sleeved shirt, grabbing a dry sweater from where it rested in the backseat and pulling it over his head. He had brought a pair of old sweatpants that he never wore and put those on as well. Castiel didn’t plan to get out again until he got home, but he did want to drive some more in this unknown area while it was still raining.

Dean’s CD started up again as he turned the car on. His fragments of the rainy season last April. He started to pull out and return to the road, which had been empty this whole time, when he finally noticed the car that was parked behind him. He stopped immediately and parked his car again. The rain had finally eased to a sprinkle when he got out again jogging over to Dean’s black ’67 Chevy Impala. Castiel turned and looked out into the grass again. He ran up to the edge of the field.

“DEAN!” he yelled.

He watched as the small figure sat up abruptly.

Castiel choked out a laugh. He ran. It was raining and he was in his favorite spot on Earth and he was wearing a warm sweater and he was in love with Dean Winchester and Dean Winchester was in love with him. So he ran. He ran and he ran and he ran.

Dean was running too.

The rain continued to fall around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay wow I can't believe I'm done! I started to write this several months ago (like eight? maybe nine?) and really only recently picked it up consistently enough to actually get some work done on it. Shoutout to Jake and Mark from my school who I've never talked to but were cute enough to inspire this story (they weren't dating or anything lol). Well, once again I'd like to thank everyone who read this! You're awesome!
> 
> You can listen to the mix I made for this fic a long time ago here ---> http://8tracks.com/sumarvetur/fragments-of-the-rainy-season


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